Table of Contents
Carlos Xuma Confidence and Dating Coach For Men
Ultimate Inner Game
Inner Game must be connected to Outer Game- take action!
It all starts with awareness – your car (engine – Inner Game) must be tuned for the correct thing. Most people drive a big car with the smallest engine possible, that’s why they don’t get results in any area.
You can’t win the darts if you’re blind and the floor is rotating.
You need knowledge, training, nice darts and a clear target.
The point is that you’re not focused on women – so these subjects may not be directly related to them.
Use it or you will never grow – you will have resistance, but you still need to do it.
Eastern philosophies- present in the moment
Sales- how you present yourself
Most important thing when learning something is fast success- that juice keeps me in the game to want to learn more. Learning everything and not applying creates anxiety.
Practice that you keep doing makes perfect.
1st bottom out- being sick and tired of working
2nd bottom out- having strategies that should work, but don’t. Put it into action, through my personality- apply conscious personalization to it.
My advantage is that no one will make any effort to improve their inner game.
Confidence and inner game must be in every area- not just with women.
Thinking is the hardest part- think about the things I want to think about and push it to the action.
Letter to Garcia- person that does things directly and goes after it without distractions and questions (everyone wants to hire and become that kind of man)
It’s not a complicated, it just takes effort to create a habit.
General theory of love- Thomas Lewis
• Reptilian brain- fight or flight
• Limbic brain- emotional
• Neocortex- logically think, visualize (unique capability)- all I am is thinking (hard to meditate) – it allows us to form a plan and strategize, refine which allows us to imagine mistakes we can’t afford to make in our mind (unique capability); the bad side is that “I think therefore I am and everything I am is thinking (identifying everything with our thoughts)
My emotional life can be influenced, but not commanded! That’s why I need to learn how my mind works in detail.
A mood is a state of enhanced readiness to experience emotion- impacts thinking and action
Worry- in most cases misused- visualizing things that will not happen (in case escape is necessary- fear). We can’t think out of it, it is created in reptilian brain, which is hard to control. It can be dysfunction of our minds, we use it when we don’t need it – end of a relationship, social situation…
Most people want to think out of it, but it has emotional roots; outside of logical control.
A lot of personality things are formed in the first few years.
Consistently attentive mother produced a secure child (relaxed, more friends), a cold distant produced an insecure and avoidant child (wanting to hurt others, didn’t want any help) and the mother that was distracted or irregular with her response produced an insecure child who was very needy – wanting help with simple tasks.
Adults exhibit a protest response as well; protest phase is separation that leads to urges to contact the person, despair, blind hope… drive to re-establish contact; instinctual drive (same with infants)
Grieving – despair, you don’t want to do anything, just want to lock yourself away, experiencing the world without colors, wanting to be alone, trouble with sleeping, cardiovascular abilities start to go away, immune processes are disturbed – there is a strong connection between emotional and physical state- suffering emotionally effects body.
We like to think we can exist without other people, but human physiology is an open loop arrangement, the body is self-regulating, we achieve balance in our body by closed loops (like cruise control – if it goes slower, it speeds up; but in this case, we need to speed up to close the loop); women that spend a lot of time together match menstrual cycles, our nervous system depends on its stability which comes from synchronizing with nearby people. Neither person regulates on their own, they have open loops, that must be complete, but together they form a stable form of organism.
Healthy human beings are not loaners; when you start seeing yourself becoming more isolated, you need to check yourself!
Just like Neo, if you unplug yourself, you die! Pathways strengthen when you use them more often; the more you think or imagine something, the more likely your mind will re-visit that.
In relationships one person modifies thinking of the other to complete open loops; limbic revision; model parts of people we love.
Who we love determines also who we are and who we become- brain remodels concepts of the loved one. We would rather stay in misery with a person that our brain recognizes- attraction must be created to open up these loops and make her create and close a loop with you! (Women stay in relationship with someone, because they have an unconscious imprint in their brain that tells them they will be alone without this guy). That’s why an interaction must be driven up to a fever pitch, so she will open up mechanisms to form a closed loop with me!
We see life like others close to us see it – plasticity of the brain declines after adolescence; learning is viewed as unfavorable within my neural network – I have to fight an uphill battle against the things that are already imprinted (the science says we can’t fight it, but many have with their will power, you can change it)
The patient must always accept that their emotional convictions may not be the best, and somebody else might have better ones, but not everybody is able to do that!
Also keep in mind that we have a lot of things that can change our states; not just pills, but also caffeine, nicotine, cocaine, alcohol… we just want to regulate brain’s chemistry with them; alter our moods and experience.
Self- help books are like a car manual; you can read them all night long, but nothing will change- you need to do the work. Do not become addicted to figuring out yourself- change behavior! It’s not a spectator sport!
Patients are often very hungry for explanation, they think it will help them, but insight is the popcorn of therapy; we figure a lot of things about ourselves, but don’t make a difference.
No one expects to speak fluent Russian in 4 lessons, but we think we will change ourselves in a short time, which is not acceptable, we seek fast solutions which will not work long-term.
Triune Brain Theory and Speed bumps
Lizard brain keeps me breathing, keeps my hearth beating, fight or flight, neocortex can plan for the future.
You have to study organs from evolution stand point – different parts grew on top of the previous one. Lizard brain is reliable, but compulsive, limbic can record memories, produces emotions, seed of unconscious value judgments we make and influences our behavior, and the neocortex is responsible for languages, complex problems, consciousness and has almost unlimited learning capability.
These three brains have numerous connections and influence one another.
Animals that eat meat (predators), have larger neocortex – catching meal is more difficult, but it’s more nutritious (requires high sensory motor system)
A large evolutionary advantage is the ability to predict the behavior of other people, mammals have large neocortex as well.
The most important skill is the ability to understand and predict the behavior of other people. The ability of speaking a language increased the understanding (it’s actually very cool to study how brain works)
Understand the chain of reaction – when you’re poked, you jump the first time, the second time you jump a little bit (but the limbic brain predicted that it’s unpleasant) and start to learn a little bit, then the information goes to neocortex which makes a conscious decision; “when I get poked again, I’m not going to move, and grab the stick”; what has been only a reptilian response before, is now escalated to emotional system (that is pissed) and to logical system that will prevent you from getting poked again – you take conscious control. The key is to gain the control over the key of events as fast as possible.
How has my family raised me? What impact did that have? How many similar trades they share?
Then let it go – don’t get stuck in your childhood with your epiphanies.
You get a little positive energy when you figure something out about yourself and why you are the way you are – but people don’t stop there, they keep looking for more, which are much easier in the contrast of changing the behavior for good, instead of going back into your head and searching for more reasons, why you’re scared and strange.
Change implies some sort of pain, that’s why you don’t do anything.
A deprived person (who didn’t have everything he wanted) accomplished something when he grew up, because they’re tapping into a drive of not having something, a privileged person is generally very low of self-motivation and drive, and doesn’t do much. Striving is not a bad thing! Spoiling is the worst!
Exercise (do them): a list of how my family affected my life (let go of the hatred, but identify what beliefs they had and similar traits); every family is a little weird, everybody has issues, the big problem is holding on to them – be fast in letting go things that happened to you, we are a bunch of mental clenching fists.
See a possibility, not a limitation (it’s not worthless piece of electronics, you can build something)
Evidence theory; we typically go with faith first until we get evidence that reinforces what it is that we learned (we do it with total ignorance, because we don’t have any experience, or we gather information to form a belief that it is possible and then do it); brain is always collecting evidence if you are able to do something.
If you’re able to go through that initial barrier and have faith, you can do whatever you want to do (ride a bike without any experience), but the problem is that we built positive and negative experience around things (many are negative – pain), and we do it mostly 2nd hand, you just assume that if someone else does it or can’t do it, we assume it’s the same with us.
It saves time, it would take a lot of energy and time to try everything on our own – have wide variety of sources (books), but there are also necessary lessons (things you have to do yourself- pain of a breakup and process of recovering from a relationship you lost; can’t explain).
And it’s about the stories you tell yourself about these experiences that determine whether you will be resilient and bounce back quickly, or somebody that let’s this chain them and smother them.
You also have to deal with being unanchored for a while – not having any evidence for our beliefs. Going for it without any experience, yet build a belief before (not being intimidated with women, we’re very similar). In order to get the evidence, you have to act like you believe it.
Speed bumps – we create hesitation and bad learning (punches); first consciously doing it slowly, then after 20 seconds speeding it up 5 times and inevitably screwing it up! They create a speed bump in their head, they get used to doing things the wrong way, more than doing it the correct way. They are letting a limiting thought in their head that creates hesitation and stops them; same with approaching; every time they want to act, they create a speed bump. Push past it and erode it (stuttering works the similar way, too much thinking – the solution is similar to meditation).
You can’t fight the block, you just get frustrated – instead go through it full speed. Hesitation is the defining moment of conviction, right before you take action (approaching, speaking up); it defines your confidence and the outcome of your attempt – women pick up on that (you appear you don’t have confidence).
Everything exists in Pendulums – you must be willing to go to the extremes, just to find the balance, extremes are generally not good (introverted, extroverted – aggressive, passive; there is assertiveness in the middle) Sometimes you need to be extremely passive, or extremely aggressive for a second when you need that, but usually somewhere in the middle is the best.
You don’t want to be right all the time, it’s tiring for other people, and it can be approval seeking.
Most people don’t have the same needs as we do (do to others as you want them to do for you), you’re not there to please them, do what they would do for you is much better way.
Repetition of action becomes your reality. Create conscious habits- you have a limited capacity of emotional energy, once it runs out you feel relaxed.
List of things you want to improve- start with the easiest to create self- discipline and confidence (21 days) – I can create and change my life. Set it up for success, complete it! First goal must be success, implement it and keep going; have fast success and lead with reward.
Scarcity and Abundance will affect your choices
Scarcity- we lack everything (it’s hard to make money – constant competition, need to fight for everything, if I’m left behind I might not get my share, every man for himself, not enough time, mistakes are a disaster), abundance- we already have everything we need to succeed, there’s unlimited supply (people are there to help me, I have all the time and there’s unlimited resources)
Don’t scramble to get a piece of the pie, instead make the pie bigger, and create opportunities.
No Alpha Man can afford to be trapped in scarcity – there’s plenty of things that you want.
“Do you want to be put on the waiting list?” – They will never run out of things (sense of scarcity, makes us act) Prove to yourself, that the things that you’re after are abundant, find evidence (emotional).
Where do you have scarcity mentality? Friends, money, women…- drags us to mindset that if someone gets something, we won’t. We are built for scarcity (of food, resources)
Technology thrives by turning scarcity to abundance – that’s what we’re doing with attraction (technology of turning to abundance in your brain); you have the skills to attract people.
Abundance creates problems as well – spam, traffic, automation (outsourcing)
As competition gets hard, but you have skills and technology of your own, your value is high no matter what- create better mindset and skills. It’s never hard for people will skills (social).
Women create scarcity by playing “hard to get” – “I should be thankful I have one girl.”
Don’t also have “the law of attraction” mindset – sex and women are abundant, but don’t have this glow about you and think everything will come to you; you need to do the work!
Don’t look at the world through “scarcity lens.”
All around you media, TV and other people imply scarcity- “I don’t have enough, there is not enough money, girls and friends on this world.”
“Outrage script” limits you: If a 10.000 $ per night seems an extravagant expense it means you’re out of alignment with mindset that lets you produce 10.000$ of value fast.
The size of your bank account is the measure of how much society owns you for value that you already created- if 10 grand is a lot it means you’re not able to generate 10 grand of value quick; money is social debt!
Wealth is not money, it’s having freedom, and lifestyle and connections that you want and makes you happy, but only money is not wealth.
Focus on creating a lot more value, a quarter was a lot of money when you were a kid, but now you’re able to provide more value.
On occasion, buy the most expensive thing to see how it is being in complete abundance.
How can I increase the value to society in order to get it?
Seven Deadly Traits- anyone can be good and bad in extremes (they’re our source of energy to change our situation, anyone can be taken to an extreme; good or bad) – this will determine how well you will do with Inner Game
We are hard wired against success, if we don’t take control we will end up where we don’t want to.
1. Laziness- looking for an easier way to do something (saving energy, which is not bad – inspires us to do things better like remote control, but it’s not good when we start looking for quick fixes that don’t exist; you don’t want to use it to search for ways, so you won’t have to exercise, or eat healthy). We overcome it by finding motivation.
2. Greediness- wanting more, consuming more if we’re giving more, blinding when mistreating people (greed can be good, it has driven the progress)
3. Selfishness- being self- centered, feeling only our feelings (we can only act from our own perceptions, include other people in your selfish drives as well, that’s what mature is all about)
4. Ambitiousness- ability to improve our situation- can hurt others (complacency is not good as well)
5. Ignorance- we can’t know everything, but still make decisions- educate yourself (we all speculate), if you think the price of education is high, think about the cost of ignorance, don’t be lazy.
6. Vanity- we all have pride in our appearance, we want to look good, attractive, want positive perceptions from other people, gets us to gyms, but it can be taken to an extreme
7. Impatience- we want is sooner, rather than later- we create faster, but we don’t plan for future (we don’t invest money)
Keep these in check with virtues
• Integrity (sum of your character)
• Responsibility (I’m the one who takes the blame and the credit)
• Compassion (practicing patient, tolerance and sympathy) – but not feeling sorry for other people, just realizing they’re all in the same situation as me
• Kindness, Friendship (you need to be a friend)
The ultimate mind is to have a peace of mind, by living in our virtues and values while we work to manage our flaws; it’s always a balancing act.
Don’t become addicted to searching for that one moment, life moment that will change your beliefs instantly and then be able to approach any girl and get her (“just be a man, just have fun, don’t care what other people think, how would you live on your last day…”) Don’t search for them, even when they do happen, the feeling wears off! It’s a motivational tool, rather than a permanent change, don’t keep searching for those.
Consistent application of a habit (prank phone calls work, because you don’t care about what other people think – you can exist with people being angry with you)
Logical justification will not work – even if “girls want to meet guys” is TRUE, it will not change the fact that you’re scared, it’s emotional reaction and it needs consistent application to change!
There are no magic pills, it takes work – it’s never just the one realization that will make the change.
We hear a great technique and have no idea how to say it to succeed and we wait for the next one and the next one… we get addicted to new tricks and the knowledge, instead of practical application and overcoming our personal challenges.
Fears might never go completely away, but they will become just background noise. It’s hard to be rejected; the REAL YOU, not the fake you that you act, so it’s not that painful.
It will never really work (“This thing turned my life around”) unless you use it!
Self- help trap; there are infinite things you can learn about yourself (so far from ideal goal) – this lowers self – esteem (if you’re too critical to yourself)
It’s OK to have a lot to work on. The more you read, the less you’ll feel you’re where you want to be.
“Is this really the thing that I need to learn right now?” Choose the thing that you need the most, don’t have too many projects and get nothing done.
Be really self-forgiving, and let go of things, there’s so much content, you can’t know it all. Choose your battles. Your self-esteem must be high, get rid of the doubt.
Belief systems (boundary around me) guide me, help me make decisions, it’s never the environment, it’s the beliefs of what those events mean (Tony Robbins) – it’s our story telling (pain/pleasure)
Generalizations (opening doors) can hurt us in some areas- I won’t succeed in this either. Our beliefs are based on the past experiences (sense of certainty based on past evidence) and are inaccurate, once we adapt a belief we don’t question it, it’s our reality.
We often don’t consciously decide what we want to believe, they’re based on interpretations of past experiences and don’t question it. Belief is a table top, and emotional experiences are legs (what people told you in the past – how many of these interpretations do you have and how much do you listen to them?) References can be based on books, movies or even worse – imagination (negative). The emotional intensity will definitely affect the strength of that leg (emotional personal experiences are most powerful). We often distort our personal perspective to suit our own needs.
Your mind can convince you that something is real, even if it’s not.
Overestimate your ability to do something! (That’s the only error that you can make – you’ll do more)
Learned helplessness- if we get so many negative experiences that we think there’s nothing we can do- it destroys every area of our lives (permanence; forever, pervasiveness; it controls my life (it’s not that bad, I just have to change my eating, it doesn’t mean I’m a loser), personal; taking it personally, it’s not a challenge, it’s personality defect- “how can you change your entire life?)
People accept and take satisfaction to it- source of pleasure, so they never change (instead of taking action and meeting women, they accept the fact that they are that way, and they don’t have to go through uncomfortable change). Associate massive pain to the old belief, create doubt instead of fitting them in current belief. Other people force new experience to fit in their old beliefs.
If you question anything long enough, you’ll begin to doubt it! (War prisoners)
Opinion (relatively certain, temporary – can be change in a conversation), belief (larger base of reference experience, therefore we have stronger emotional attachment; belief is not stronger, but we’ve given it more mass, credibility – close minded to new beliefs, they don’t want things to shake them up) and Convictions (strong emotional intensity, people get angry if someone wants to question it; politics, religion usually). There are some things that you need to have convictions about, but still have that one part of you that’s ready to listen.
One of the most important ones to develop is the Conviction of my own Self-Worth. Value is a conviction for me.
Beliefs are not Truths, truth is a fact. Belief is a selective interpretation of a given situation.
List of most empowering beliefs, change them into convictions (more reference legs, make them stronger)
List of dis empowering beliefs and reinterpret them
“Was the person that I got this belief from worth modeling from? What will it cost me if I hold on to this belief, physically, financially, in terms of family and dating…”
Meta programs (this is how our mind works in the big picture, make sense and order)
• Towards/away (moving towards success and away from failure will get you nowhere)
• Internal/external frame of reference (trust yourself and make a decision, but also flexible to look at external cues) – it takes experience to build internal, to trust yourself enough, which is very attractive
• Possibility/ Necessity (possibility or “I have to”) – bottom out; situation when you need to do, there is no other choice, so much pain associated with just spending time with a few people and then you go out. Most people don’t see the urgency, no reason why and they forget the pain.
• Match/mismatch (how things are alike with exceptions – difficult to explain something to someone with a different sorting style), or you remember how things are different
• Completion or process (goal or experience minded)
• Time or information (you need more time to process, or more information to accept)
• Positive interpretation- it’s just about reinterpretation
Whatever your environment was, it highly affected how you view the world – positive/negative.
Thinking negative about negative thoughts. Don’t think about stuff that you need to work on when you’re in action think only positive! Some pathways are easier for you to go to, then others in your brain.
A positive mind anticipates happiness, joy, health and successful outcome in every situation; we all have our own moods, but the key is to know how to get from “failure” to “positive” thinking. It’s not one giant leap. We also can’t do it with just our will power – we need to rationalize negative thoughts. Your mind believes these thoughts are true (because it reinforces validates your current state of mind) Theses negative thoughts serve a purpose, but you must know that they work against you.
Affirmations don’t work as well if you don’t believe them, it won’t take root. Break down negative thoughts instead, go to the root and break it into pieces – look at them objectively.
Cynical cynicism – being negative about your negative thoughts (doubting them)
Any situation can be interpreted in any way – pessimism, optimism, realism…
Constant habit of talking trash to your negative thoughts.
A lot of self-talk comes from misconceptions and miscommunications that I created based on lack of knowledge.
Filtering self-talk; magnifying negative possibilities, while filtering out positive ones
Personalizing – it’s about you (that’s why things got cancelled)
Catastrophizing- seeing the worst possible scenario for the future event
Polarizing- everything is either good or bad (no middle ground)
Use visualization (or meditation) – stopping the car (negative thought), only then going forward!
Get yourself in a positive social circle.
Self- fulfilling prophecies (false definition of a situation) – prophecy declared as truth when it’s not, which makes a bad behavior causing the prophecy to come true.
Keep in mind that expectations will almost certainly affect the outcome.
3 most important forces: desire (wanting something as much as wanting to breathe), belief – mental acceptance of something being true (that it will bring joy- even if it’s comfortable in their discomfort; avoidance of pain keeps people in the same situation, they are comfortable in their discomfort) and expectation (placebo effect – you expect it will work)
When your desire is weak, nothing will motivate you and unleash will power to move your life forward, the positive result will happen if you do the work.
People of authority make your beliefs more real- doctor telling you that tomorrow you will feel better…
On the other side is doubt and fear.
The more successful you become, the more you’re your own authority and you’ll bring out the outcome you’re trying to create; it will be a snowball effect, on bigger and bigger goals.
More feedback, input, output, and climate….
An optimism simply doesn’t dwell on the negative stuff, just keeps going and works on positive things.
Start with small expectations, then build it up. Do you naturally expect a positive or negative outcome? Do you lower expectations, so you’re not disappointed? Do your results match your expectations? Expect a little more than before and build up.
Power of Story- interpreting events in my life (you have it about every single thing)
Negative consequences don’t come in an instant, but over time- then they become your identity (like eating fast food, you don’t gain 10 pounds in the moment – it’s almost as you got away with it, but you become a frog in the boiling water)
Stories are usually about work, family, happiness, friendships, health… what are your stories – do you have deep fulfillment about work (is it just to get paycheck? Most people don’t know), you need to ask a lot of questions about that. What is the likely consequence that will happen in 10 years with your health? Do all of them!
For most people, their stories are not getting them where they want to be –denial, wishful thinking
Express logically, why you’re living this way (private voice), get real with yourself, get as angry as you need to. Get all this shit out of your system!
Do these stories really bring me to action? What’s my purpose, my mission?
Is this story true? Why am I telling this story?
3 faulty assumptions for work, family, health, happiness
You do a lot assumptions which can cause a lot of mistakes; name 4 faulty assumptions you’re making right now in every area.
No outside force will hold you accountable for the way you live- you do it because no one says you can’t and justifies it, and there’s no immediate results (why you should wake up at 6 am to work out)
Look at things objectively for what they really are- don’t look away (or you will stop doing that when there’s no other option)
Most of people think that a good past has led them to a good present; that’s the story they tell themselves – the truth is that they have a lot of compulsive habits.
The key to inner game is my inner voice- does it encourage me or work against me? Where is it taking me? Where is it taking me, is it aligned with my mission? Public voice is often different than private voice (to be polite, not being able to say “no”)
Acknowledge the existence of the inner voice, turn up the volume and listen to it. How much time is it constructive?
1. Complete focusing on other things make it disappear (quiet it – mediation, yoga, sports, books)
2. Summon your inner voice of conscience (get clear on values, integrity, morality)
3. Replace it with a realistic voice that tells you objectively (sees objectively without emotions)
4. Support and encouragement (maybe you don’t have a person to do that for you)
5. Create a tough voice- when the games begin- kicks you in the ass to get you going – you can use the voice of your mentor (what would they say)
6. Create the “I don’t buy it” inner voice- critical BS detector.
7. When something is good for me, shut down the critical voice and know you need to learn this.
8. Build a voice of compassion- I can do it tomorrow (If something really went wrong and I didn’t do something, it’s OK, I’m still doing great!)
9. Build a voice of sincerity (people want you to be grounded and honest)
10. Summon your voice of intuition- not logic (ignored with guys – trust your gut)
3 rules of story telling
We believe that happiness is just around the corner (incorrect) – a certain amount is fixed inside us (lottery winners are not happier in a year than they were broke). Increase gratitude – change the story of what you need to be thankful for.
You need Purpose (why am I living, who do I want to be), truth (is it grounded in reality, or is it a lie that I’m telling myself) and action (what habits do I need to replace, am I acting or observing?)
Physical energy (shelter, food), emotional energy (feelings, moods), mental energy (focus, thinking, create ideas) and spiritual energy (purpose)
Get connected to the energy you need- meditate, eat, sleep (depends on which you need at the moment)
The power of full engagement- (energy, not time is the most important)
Maintain your wave graph- don’t make it a line- use it completely (over work) than rest, so it refills.
All capacities can become stronger the same way (push beyond the normal limits).
Fundamental wave of life- work and rest. Short term discomfort (challenges) to build endurance.
Ultradian Rhythm – at 3 pm we’re at our low (we should take a 15 minute nap)
Breathing and eating (water+ 6 meals) are the most important. Sleep 8 hours!
Mental capacity; organize my life, ability to focus.
Self- confidence, self- control, social skills, and empathy (read other people’s emotions).
Have a targeted area (confidence), barrier (not having high self-worth), desired outcome (feeling comfortable around anyone); so what is the ritual I will do to create a behavior? Talking with people at least 3 days/week, and chatting with them daily online.
Mental energy: mental preparation, visualization, positive self- talk, effective time management and creativity. Your rituals become automatic, and are fueled by value you have.
Changing channels allows us to work out different parts of our brain – you can give one part a rest, while working on another one. Expanding always means challenging and draining your energy, and then rest; even creative games keep mind active, we need that.
The busier we are, the more important we seem to us and to other people. We use busyness to cloak our need for feeling special and important.
Society rewards you for the wrong habits – working long hours that interfere with your normal recovery patterns – night work, stress, no breaks…
You need faith in yourself (not in God, but having the belief) – values can help. “He who has a “why” to live for, can answer and “how”.”
Spiritual energy: Passion, commitment (the need to not quit), integrity, honesty (telling yourself the truth).
Extrinsic motivation is something that we feel we don’t have enough off – approval, power…
Intrinsic motivation will be better long- term (declared by me – not by society) – greater persistence, performance…
Generic values (find out with which you resonate) – see how you’re engaging them, if you’re not, see if your story allows you to engage in each of the important values for you.
Authenticity, balance, happiness, commitment, health, compassion, honesty, concern for other people, humor, courage, integrity, service to others, generosity, serenity, friendship, security, freedom, responsibility, family, respect in other people, faith, perseverance, openness, excellence, kindness, loyalty, knowledge, empathy, creativity.
Negative thinking, poor work life balance, overly dependent, lack of empathy, low self-confidence, lack of passion, poor listening and communication skills, indecisive, lack of integrity and trust in other people, poor time managing skills, high levels of anxiety, unfocused attention, rigid behavior, poor team player, moody, low stress tolerance, critical of other people, negative attitude, defensive, impatient and low energy – we’re being defeated by the story we tell ourselves, rather than by the truth; that becomes a limiter of your energy and power of your stories in the long run.
The more aware you are, the more conscious you can think, and re-engineer your life situation.
Rewrite the story every day for 90 days- Am I really living up to the story that I’m trying to create?
Story must be instinctual and irreversible.
3 Steps – Identify the stories that are causing you the most pain, identify the behaviors that are causing the most pain, commit taking the action, but not unrealistic (21 day habits). It will be uncomfortable, but within reason.
Clearly see the power and pleasure of you succeeding, and the pain of you quitting. Create actions to put it in place.
David Goleman- Vital lies, simple truths (Psychology of self-deception)
We go through stages of denial, lying to ourselves, lacking self-awareness.
Psychological pain is more common than physical pain.
Worry, anxiety completely occupy your thoughts, which will make working and learning impossible.
Uncertainty calls an early warning of a thread. Anxiety can intrude in a lot of forms, from dreams to not being able to stop thinking about something. The event might not be overwhelming, it’s your perception of it, which is then considered a thread to you – it’s highly subjective.
Make something that seems uncertain (approaching a woman) look ordinary (like brushing teeth) – sense of familiarity.
Awareness is very important- body can mute my awareness- when my mental and social energy suffers. Don’t get away from the pain, deal with it- stay present and handle the fear and anxiety (accept you can’t do it perfectly, but you can comfortably sit in existence in that situation)
Either you change the situation or you accept it and stress ends.
Be alert and make sure you don’t create a blind spot or don’t accept reality.
Repression – we forget and forget that we forgotten (defensive mechanism) – blocks path to awareness, information is still there in the long-term memory
Denial and reversal – not accepting things as they are, thinking they’re the opposite (emotional shock)
Isolation – events without feeling (you have the facts, but they’re clean of the emotional tone)
Rationalization – giving yourself a cover story (doing something with impulse, then giving a fake reason of why we did it) – “It’s not you, it’s me.”
Sublimation – we replace threatening with safe (the urge is there, it’s just being modified – socially acceptable)
So many of the decision making is made unconsciously.
The ego’s task is to control the flow of information in order to deflect anxiety – we have a set of blind spots to sensor flow of information, to push away the thoughts that scare us, to feel good about ourselves and our identity in the meantime.
Lacuna – creates a defensive gap in your awareness (blind spot – black hole); deflecting selective bits of subjective reality, usually something that would provoke anxiety in you.
We wouldn’t survive (evolution) without these defensive mechanisms.
The most successful man (genetically) is the most convincing that he will stay loyal to his woman, have children with her and then leave her and find other women (as many as possible). His best chance to do that is to deceive himself first (believe his own lies), and that’s how evolution has the best odds. To lie well, you must at first believe your own lies. (Not seeing things that are right before us.)
How can I spot them before I lie to myself? You either go with it (find some way to avoid the pain) or you’ll find another way to deal with it (pain, anxiety)
Questions (that you ask yourself) – ask better questions to empower you
I’m the sum of all the decisions I made; most people are not thinking about this as choices, they think life is pushing them in these directions- victims instead of architects.
What will happen to my life if I make this decision? – ask yourself more
Victor Franco – asking better questions; not “what is this happening to me?”
Survivors made meaning out of nothing. The questions you ask will determine the meaning you make and the actions you take.
If you have the desire for something, you will get it- resources don’t matter that much.
It’s the way you interpret and the meaning that you attach to event shape your life.
Give meaning and a reason to keep going.
Questions will determine everything in our lives. First of they give us reasons to feel a certain way. There’s also questions that we don’t ask that shape our lives.
“What is my life so bad?” Instead ask “What can I be grateful for?”
They immediately feel different with different questions. We can change how we fell in an instant, when we change what we focus on. We’re very good at forgetting things, and focusing on other things.
RAS is taking care of this – and you’re deleting all the reasons why you’re not paying attention.
Whatever it is that you’re looking for, you will find (looking for brown, then looking for green.)
Problem solving questions:
- What is great about this problem?
- What is not so perfect?
- What am I willing to do to make it the way I wanted?
- What am I willing not to do to make it?
How can I enjoy the process of making it the way I wanted– experience is just as important- some parts will feel very negative.
- What am I happy about right now? What about that makes me happy? What does that make me feel?
- What am I excited about in my life right now? What am I committed about the most?
- What am I proud about in my life right now?
- What am I grateful about right now? What am I enjoying in my life the most?
- Who do I love, and who loves me?
At the end of the day:
- In what ways have I been a giver today?
- What did I learn today?
- How did today added to the quality of my life?
- How can I use today as an investment in my future?
Make this as a part of your ritual, to make the shift!
Most important ones:
- What will I focus on?
- What does this mean to me? (Story)
- What will I do about this situation?
These questions are used and answered all the time automatically; if someone doesn’t respond to me, I may feel unattractive (focus, and what it means to me and then stop meeting women; that’s what I may do in that situation)
Keep your self-esteem as high as possible. Get rid of the things that bring it down.
Eventually stop asking questions and start taking action.
What makes the biggest difference in my life? It’s the meaning I attach to situations.
The problem is when we ask and habitually answer questions without conscious control.
Asking “did that really had to do something with me” instead of “what did I do wrong?”
Model the habitual questions that they’re asking themselves – they will be different than mine.
Happiness is a natural state, we feel different when we focus on things that we »should« feel sad about. They also change the resources that are available to us (what questions do.)
Reframing Questions – presumptions (already believing something when asking)
“How will this add to my life?” – No matter, can be a positive or a negative situation, or; “How can I make this work for me?”
“How can I accept the worst?” and “Can I let this go? When can I let this go?” If you can’t let it go, be pissed for an hour, then you can.
Bad questions: “What did I do to deserve this? What will I ever do to make things better? How can I go on? What does this never happen to other people?” That’s self-pity, which feels good.
Thoughts and thinking
We can control what we think whether we do it or not.
Internal monologue (determines what to focus on) and thoughts will affect emotions and moods. In order to take the actions we need to take, we need to clear emotional blocks and obstacles.
5 most important things in life
We often don’t see the connection from our emotions and thoughts to our external world.
My mind plays games with me – tries to justify that the life I have, and the how I live is not my fault.
Visualize being old and having regrets; seeing where you would end up, if you don’t take conscious control and do it!
“Yeah, I know but…” – we can always seem to see it from the outside, but when we’re emotionally involved, things seem much more complicated. We let emotions dictate it.
One exercise is the game of persistence (when your mind tells you, you can’t do it any longer); count to 10, every pushup you do, is the quality of the woman you want – if you stop at 3, you’ll get a woman who’s 3/10.
Imagine a situation that would give you joy (hot tub with 10 models); promise of future pleasure after you achieve something – picture it before, to experience what it will feel like if I do something; of course, make the reward doable.
Whatever a woman does that’s not cool, count down the points; from 10 down.
Thoughts 2- getting out of your head
Exercise to observe – go out and just observe; without judging, evaluating, predicting, thinking! You just let it be in the moment as much as possible (don’t share common experience when somebody tells you something, just relax and observe – listen and be there.)
Babbling exercise – keep feeling the words, no silence (without ums), this will put down the blocks. Even if you have nothing to say left, you keep talking to fully express yourself.
TV response exercise; respond to things that they’re saying (mute it and fill the gap.) You need to destroy the internal sensor that says what to say in social situations; if you give it too much control, you’ll get stuck in your head, and have too much rules about what to say. Become quick withed.
Meditation – just take internal focus outside of you (ungrasping hand)
Physical rhythm – create it with your body (leg, hand etc.); something you can focus on.
This all is a distraction, breaking free from trapped thinking.
They are the beliefs about what has to happen in order for us to feel a certain way (what makes you happy, angry…) we created them and they determine when we feel pleasure or pain.
You don’t need anything in order to feel good (you don’t need a wife, a billion dollars…), but when we create those rules, we need those things. You set up success of what has to happen, but you can feel just as good for no reason, just for being alive.
Make positive rules so you feel good. Don’t structure life so your happiness is dependent on something you cannot control. (Tony Robbins) – redesign them.
Rules are a shortcut of our brain, they make us feel certainty about the consequences of our actions.
“Tonight I’ll just have fun, it doesn’t matter how many people I approach.”
A disempowering rule is almost impossible to meet, outside of your control (if other people have to respond a certain way) and if it gives you a few ways to feel good and a lot of ways to feel bad.
Setup a system of evaluation, that’s achievable, and easy to feel good.
“Why am I reacting like this to this situation?” Every upset comes from upset with your rules.
What does it take for me to feel successful, loved, confident, and excellent in any area?
5 most powerful experiences and how they changed me and my beliefs, rules – if it’s negative, change the interpretation of the event.
Did you consciously choose your identity, or was it made by others or events? (Core beliefs of what we think we can or can’t do – function of our capabilities)
It’s the beliefs we use to define our individuality (also defines who we’re not.) We act very consistently based on who we think we are whether it’s accurate or not – need for consistency.
We look at what we do to see who we are. Instead write your identity based on who you want to be and what you want to do.
Write your own Wikipedia page – dictionary under my name.
What would by ID card look like? Quotes, warning traits… what would you leave off? That’s the stuff that you want to leave behind; what is not a part of me. I’m not my body, past and behavior in the moment perhaps.
We run away from risk- taking action (we want to stay alive) and stay in comfort zone.
Why won’t I step out of comfort zone? What would make me step out of comfort zone? What would not be enough to get me out of my comfort zone? Where is my limit, what’s my comfort zone?
We naturally regress into comfort zone- defensive mechanism- get a new comfort zone with 21 days success habit- best way to start are morning and evening rituals.
Root out mental reasons why I’m not taking action- something stops me (emotional need, usually pain avoidance) – exercise
Step 1 is wanting to do something, but feeling resistance, so we delay it, then we keep bumping into that task until we can no longer wait; pain is too big. See the benefit and the future pain first.
Take perceived pain and restructure it so it’s no longer pain. Pain right now is much smaller, and once you have a habit to start something you start getting momentum.
If only Mitja would do that today, it would save him so much trouble (speaking in 3rd person objectively). Put yourself in an unpleasant situation that you would reach if you didn’t complete something and REALLY FEEL IT! Once you start doing something, it takes care of itself.
Person’s overall evaluation of his/ her self- worth, or how much you like yourself (pride, self- confidence, self- assurance…)
Ability of coping basic challenges of life, while being worthy of happiness. Can’t be measured easily.
It’s a feedback loop; you have high self-esteem, you get status and approval from others that feed it.
How constant is your self- esteem and home and when you go out? Watch for the differences.
Bullies have high self- esteem that they didn’t earn- no validation.
7 categories (self- worth)
- Virtue- how good you feel
- God’s love
- Support of their family
- Academic confidence- how well they do in school
- Physical attractiveness
- Gaining others approval
- Winning competition- outdoing others
Having a purpose and working on weaknesses makes you above average individual.
Find motivational key- self- esteem increases with what you do, with taking action, not with reading books
Term low self- esteem must be used with large area, we all have a weak spot in some areas.
I seek approval from others and fear criticism. 3
I feel like I’m different from other people. 4 (but in a good way)
I isolate myself from authority and roles. 2
I’m not able to appreciate my accomplishments. 2
I have a problem following through a project from beginning to end. 3
I get stressed when I’m in a company of an angry person. 2
In order to avoid conflict I find myself easier to lie than to tell the truth. 2
I have problems with my compulsive behavior. 3
I judge myself without mercy, I criticize myself more than other people. 2
I’m continually anticipating problems, I don’t feel alive when my life is going smoothly. 1
I have difficulty having fun. 3
I’m attracted to others that are perceived as victims, I like to pity them and rescue. 1
I need perfection in my life and I expect perfection from others. 3
I seek out novelty excitement and a challenge of newness with very little consequences of my actions. 2
I have problems maintaining relationships 2
I feel guilty standing out for myself and having my needs met first 2
I seek or attract people with compulsive behaviors. 1
I feel responsible for others. 2
I cling to relationship, I’m afraid of being alone. 3
I react too quickly, not considering consequences 2
I have difficulty to feel or express feelings. 2
I mistrust my feelings and feelings of other people. 1
I isolate myself from other people and am initially shy. 4
I feel victimized. 2
I feel confused or angry of myself when the stresses are great. 3
I spend a lot of time cleaning out my messes or negative consequences of my compulsive actions. 3
I deny that I have old feelings that are negatively impacting my present life. 2
65 Moderate low self- esteem
Disconnect from the source.
Change behaviors, habits and support new identity.
Accept yourself being unique, have self- love, well defined boundary, love, caring for others, self- deservedness, productive personality, give to others, leadership skills, optimism…
Values are the compass, they guide you to make certain decisions and actions.
Means (what you’re using as a tool to get there) and end values (state you desire) – moving towards and moving away values
Common values: Love, success, freedom, intimacy, security, adventure, power, passion, comfort, health; write them down the way you want them to be, and the way they are right now.
If you want to know somebody, learn what motivates them.
Moving away: Rejection, anger, frustration, loneliness, depression, failure, humiliation, guilt
Look for conflicts!
Have the drive and motivation even when you’re happy.
No one can make me feel a certain way without my permission.
It’s an illusion thinking you have an inner game without interacting with other people.
If something doesn’t work it means I’m not doing it right or it doesn’t suit for my personality (needs tweaking)
Split testing – if something doesn’t work, do a variation; always split and compare.
Create social strategies to get along with other people, but tweak it to get the results you have- don’t let your ego stop you.
Excuses almost have a nugget of truth, but they reinforce out limited negative behaviors.
No one gets what they want making excuses. There’s reasons and there’s excuses.
Practicing logical play out- predict outcomes and see the difference (watching fighting with your friends… who will get more pissed off.)
We don’t see others thoughts- we think that others are not insecure just because they do something (they can be shaking inside.) Others have inner game problems too, our dark thoughts are not unique. We think others are better at something; intimate unfamiliarity (we’re not as different as we think)
Total submission (just like waiting in line for a roller coaster) – there’s nothing I can do about it, fear won’t help, just let go instead of resisting; it will happen anyway
Why would you imagine worst case scenarios?
Focus on one thing! Handle the information effectively, don’t multitask.
Treat voice of doubt like a hysterical person that tries to jump of a building and drag you with it- talk it out of it!
Talking about our problems feels good because we get attention and we stop taking action because we think that things will get better on their own. “Mommy will make everything better.”
Create massive pain to not doing something (not taking action is also action)
5 distinctions about who I am: Character (overall qualities- who I am and how I react to the world), virtues, values (personal and cultural), morals (define personal character) and ethics (expected by group.)
Navy Seals Awareness
- White level- walking around, not aware (most people’s day- iPhone); white noise – engage in the present moment (not knowing what you ate, what you were watching 2 days ago…)
- Yellow- more on alert (when you’re in unfamiliar place, you’re looking at street sights, looking around) – spend one day seeing everything around you like a tourist – RAS is used.
- Red- can’t be maintained for long; ready for danger (similar than fight or flight)
- Black- switch for auto pilot and take care of business (killing)
Mostly yellow for day to day is recommended.
Modeling (like how to videos)
Skill of how to take an example of something, understanding their behavior and integrating it in yourself. Find quotes
Why are they getting a different results than I am? What makes them believe something else, what does he think of himself? Develop the best qualities of those people.
Break people down and analyze them. “What would I have to do to have the same results?”
See the Delta; what’s the difference between me and them, what is stopping me from believing the same things as they do?
Reverse modeling- What created that person and how to avoid their bad decisions?
State change- most successful people can control their state
We are always in a certain state- I need to control it all the time, so I can increase my performance.
Allow your focus to go inside you– your breathing, what’s on your mind, stress…
For most of us state happens to us, instead of the other way around. Motion creates emotion!
Others need outside stimulus to change their state- alcohol, drugs, eating, TV.
You can change it by redirecting your focus, changing physiology or use a power ritual.
It’s a self- reinforcing spiral- beliefs are subjective interpretation of situations, we think they help us, you need to know when to let go of them- only believe in them as long as they improve your life; they are not facts!
I may not be an ultra-social guy- I really need to have a strong motivation to not settle for less.
There’s no perfect person with no inner game problems, skills can be mastered over night, but that itself is a skill, and there’s always progressive change, not always quantum change.
Learn how to take baby steps- learn things correctly
Approaching one more woman each week for 10 weeks to complete 10 women per day.
Control your mind
You can feel good again- Richard Carlson
Happiness is already inside us, we are unhappy because we think about things that are unpleasant.
It’s all mental, not physical world.
As you think, so you are- when you attach experiences (when I make a million dollar, get this girl…) won’t make you feel it.
No matter how difficult it seems, I will practice mental processes that lead me to happiness.
We are all constantly thinking. Thinking will always come back to me as a feeling! Thoughts create emotions. It’s impossible feeling something without first processing and thinking about it.
Unhappiness is caused by thinking negative about your life, not because of your circumstances.
Let go of that thinking! You choose how to interpret a certain event.
My thoughts are not real- they are not concrete reality!
By thinking about something you are making it up in your mind- recreating past events and previewing future events, adding drama (making it seem worst than it is) and review it multiple times in a minute.
Build a better relationship with your thinking, because torturing yourself with negative thoughts is like writing yourself a nasty letter and then be offended by it.
See thoughts as thoughts and not reality, dismiss them; create space between them. Positive thoughts are not denial, it’s a natural extension that your thoughts can’t hurt you.
Enjoy the life, don’t think about it.- like preschool kids
The difference between the adults and children and their level of happiness is not tied to how real their problems are. It’s attached to how much attention they put on those problems (constant analyzing) Only pay attention to what you’re working on right now!
If negative feelings are caused by negative thinking, then what possible good can it do to over analyze the negative parts of your life. (rehearsing negative problems). Thoughts grow with attention– the more you focus, the more important and depressive it will be.
Acknowledgment is different than solution of the problem- solution doesn’t take much time, focus makes it worse. Decide you have enough and start off with clean mind.
When your mood is low, you generate more negative thinking, just stop! Resist the urge to think more
Don’t create an identity out of your system thinking, happiness is a state of mind.
Healthy function is not concerned with what happens in your life, but how you relate to that (how you manage the way you think)- only thinking makes events alive in your head; I’m a creator.
The healthy functioning must be more important than my previous unhealthy functioning (thinking)
Approach anxiety is build on this- “I can’t do this, I can’t talk to women”; that’s their identity
Let go of that identity, the new reality of me talking to women must be more important that the old reality of myself.
Obsessive thinking about past will reinforce your old identity to think negatively of yourself.
My feelings are a compass that tells me whether or not I see life from a viewpoint of healthy psychological functioning or not. Dismiss your thoughts- automatic process, happens naturally.
I can dismiss any thought that I want, even if it seems so important!
It’s not the time that dismisses our thoughts, it only encourages us to think about other things.
The faster you can let it go, the quicker you can get back to good feelings.
Wisdom can’t come from negative thinking, it comes from listening inner voice when dismissing thoughts. You can’t feel gratitude, if you’re trying to fix something- you can’t want what you already have if you’re too busy trying to fix it.
Your ego is who you think you are and the need to protect that- pushes us to try to prove themselves.
People become unknowingly trapped in an insecurity that’s generated from having to prove themselves to other people by maintaining the idea of who they think they are.
Once you drop the insecure thinking pattern, you feel a natural feeling of self- esteem; gratitude of who we are instead of wanting to protect the ego, we’re able to be present, happy, and thought free (about yourself). Once you drop that identity you are willing to try new things (no longer shy).
“I’m more than I defined myself to be.”
Choice point– a point when I have to choose if I want to choose my healthy function or think.
Instead of trying to get to the bottom of this use love and forgiveness, instead of thinking that being right is important use letting go and using happiness over being right, choose “It’s OK that we disagree” over “I will prove you wrong”.
Find happiness BEYOND your thinking.
Moods effect your thinking (everything might seem bad); if defines your state. Moods are always changing; when in a lower mood you take everything personally, when in a high mood you feel gratitude towards your life…
We unconsciously practice certain habits for each mood- you feel sense of urgency and feel you need to think this way. Create a sense of absurdity for negative thoughts, naturally come back.
It always seems like this one will last forever- it never does, it always changes.
If you give your bad mood a reason (lost money on stock market) you’re giving it fuel and now you need to wait for external circumstances to change before your mood does. The more you think about it, the worse it gets. It’s tempting to get back to those feelings, don’t get tricked.
If you believe what you think when you’re in a low mood, you’ll be to scared to be in the present moment (not thinking about that thought). You want to act which is the worst thing that you can do in that mood, the best thing is to distrust and ignore that thought; this must become a habit. Be prepared in advance! The more that you can resist to react to this, the better you will feel.
A happy person knows that life is a sequence of present moments about to be experienced one after another. Past is to teach me how to live better in the now, future is more present moments to be experienced. Watching children pulls you in the present moment.
Focus on enjoyment, free mind, seeing the innocent, focusing on the beauty of life and happy with what is, experiencing and letting go, flowing thinking on what I can do, moving on from mistakes…
Analyzing mind is like a barking dog that wants attention and disconnect from free mind to thinking.
The problem is not that I have a thought system, the problem is that it’s very hard to question it. I believe what I think. A single negative thought can swing everything in the other direction; the best thing to do is to calm your mind and clear it from all thoughts- NO ANALYZING!
Don’t let analytical mind take over– “There’s so much wrong with me, there are so many things I need to change.” It’s how you choose to react to negative mood, that makes the difference. We can make our thoughts as permanent as we want. We are wrong thinking the slow driver is the reason for my bad thoughts, the slow driver goes away, but the thought about the driver stays and dwells.
People don’t make you feel in any particular way– it’s choosing what you want to do with that thought
When the mood is low, your common sense flies right off the window; not seeing the solution (the only certainty is you will feel the same way, go through same facts…) You need to take action! In a positive state of mind, if you can’t do it in a good mood, you won’t solve it in a bad mood. A lot of solutions are easier than we think:
1) The recognition and admission that you’re in a habit of thinking negatively
2)Understand that thoughts originate within you and thinking is something I do
3)Seeing the innocence of negative thinking- it’s not meant to focus on it! (different people respond differently to same things) Happy people are too busy to analyze what would make them unhappy.
No external validation, be grateful for the present moment; the only moment you got.
Richard- You can be happy no matter what
It’s impossible to be sad without having sad thoughts. Thinking is an ability, not the reality that we experience. You think thoughts, you don’t think reality. Happiness is a natural state, that we talk ourselves out of.
My thoughts are only thoughts (if you hear you have to jump out of the window, that’s not reality).
Choose which thoughts you want to react to– out thoughts feel so real to us, because we created them. Emotional responses are created with thinking not with things that happen to us. That’s why identical events create different results to different people. The goal is not to control what you’ re thinking about, but to recognize thoughts for what they are and control your reality from inside out (observational skill.) Relationship with your thoughts will create your life.
There always seems to be a logical connection between things we think are true. Beliefs will always makes sense to us in our own belief system; self- validating self- reinforcing system. It’s so hard to see the truth when it’s not our truth- it’s hard to admit you’re not right.
Our level of awareness is changing all the time; changing moods. In a low mood life is hard.
Don’t give attention to bad mood, you can’t force yourself out of a bad mood, don’t feed it, just let it go; your mood has changed, not life (this is not the right time for action)
If something feels very important and urgent when you’re in a bad mood, it’s still going to be there when you’re in a good mood, you will just be better equipped to deal with it.
When I’m in a bad mood it’s totally logical that world is bad, when I’m in a good mood there’s always a solution; always solve your problems in a good mood.
When you’re in a bad mood you want to do something- don’t do it! You always feel negative emotions, which is why it’s crazy to listen to them. The most important thing is to know you’re in a bad mood and don’t start a conflict when you are. Don’t change other people! They spend their lifetime justifying that their picture of the world and life is correct- endless examples.
RAS- seeing what you want to see and what has value.
The way I see my life is not the only way to see the world. Other people went through different process to think different- stop trying to be right and wanting to meet them with your reality and listen to theirs non- judgmentally (religion, best movies…), people think you’re on their side and accept you. Intolerance and tolerance is close on the spectrum, on the other end is understanding their perspective and even trying to understand how they got there.
Our feelings tell us when our thinking is dis-functional– when we don’t know we are generating thoughts- thinking thoughts are reality; clear your head and stop what you’re thinking. Good ideas and solutions will never come from dis-functional thinking. Only from a positive state where life seems easy; it doesn’t matter how bad you feel. Expressing feelings all the time is not maturity, because in a low mood you keep generating negative ones. You shouldn’t listen and trust yourself in negative moods. Happiness is already in me, it’s only covered with my negative thinking; meditation.
Nurture positive feelings in a relationship; they were created because we were not judging each other- no insecurity. Maintain positive feelings for a woman when she’s negative. Help her feel great about herself. Example: what if during a fight a fire would broke out; argument would not be important anymore, you just want to save her.
You have every right to feel and think about anything you want all the time.
“I am not reactive, other people do not effect me.”
Stress originates in my mind; it’s a socially acceptable form of mental illness. It can be eliminated, it develops itself. Every time you describe stress as something out there (“That’s creating it…, not I’m creating it) we validate it’s existence; just like a monster has been created that I need to deal with now, since it’s in my reality. Instead figure out that I created it in my thoughts, it’s my perception of a situation, not something that it’s made of. Brake the cycle with not thinking about it. Our thinking stimulates feelings and we re- live situations. We resist what is happening to me, the more you resist, the more stress you will experience. The solution is to lower your tolerance to stress- let it go quicker, not stress breakdown, stop it as soon as possible, don’t wait until it’s high.
Feeling good comes first, solving problems comes second.
Some people let go almost instantly their bad or stressful experiences while some dwell on them forever and use it as an excuse to immobilize their lives. Time doesn’t have a role here, we all can get over anything instantly. It’s up to me how long it will take; my memory that is taking these events through time. If I stop frightening myself, I’m on my way to recovery. Don’t pretend that it doesn’t exist, just look at it in the right light.
Happiness is not anticipation (good things that are coming up), but being grateful for being alive and having what you already have, if something that you wanted comes true, you’re happy because for a minute you didn’t thought about not having it. Don’t attach conditions to your happiness; source of happiness is not outside of me, it’s not dependent on outcomes.
We love to hold on to things and turn them over and over in our heads- create repression. It’s a choice of what you want to hold on to (physically; holding breath, and emotionally). That’s why people have neck, chest, back pains; trapped emotions.
Holding on and letting go of patterns (example: crying if parents see us on the floor)
Suppression: pushing emotions down (afraid what people think, humiliate ourselves)
What most people say it’s maturity is typically ability to suppress our emotions.
Letting go– starting to let go the pressure; laugh. You can choose something is not worth it and let go, or you can welcome the feeling and accept it and accept that moment with that feeling, or you can ask yourself why you feel this way (we forget we are holding on: I am sad; you identify yourself with it). Allow yourself to feel a certain way you feel right now.
Focus on the issue you want to improve, then ask yourself: “Could I let this go?”, “Could I allow this feeling to be here and not try to suppress, distract it and actually face it?” and “Am I willing to let this go?” Would I rather have this feeling or be free of it and have another one instead and when could I do this if not right now?
“Being angry is like taking a poison and hoping that another person will die.”
Don’t have multiple programs and applications open- it’s damaging for you, get them to completion.
Don’t become a suffering machine- “I suffer, therefore I am.”- I’m identified with it. Most of us seek sympathy for our problems, invest a lot of energy in them, what else could we talk about? It’s our identity, it’s who we are. Don’t tell a story more than once. We feel special having this problem. We’re experts of looking for problems and limiting ourselves.
Sadona method– 9 emotional states: empathy, grief, fear, lust, anger, pride, courageousness, acceptance and peace (crawling from the worst up to releasing the emotion)
- Empathy: desire is dead, we can’t do anything, no one can help, we get numb, limited, only failures, no energy, many conflicting directions… “Could you not resist this feeling and then let it go and would you let it go and when?”
- Grief: we want somebody to help us, we have a little energy, but it’s painful, we think we are hurt and looking for help, rejection, remorse, torment, pity (poor me)…
- Fear: we want to strike out, but we are afraid we would get hurt, noisy mind, doom, what we’re going to lose, how can I protect myself, paranoia, shy, suspicion, threatened, vulnerably, worried…
- Lust: desire possession, wanting power, sex, people, more energy, but contained, intense feelings that can be pleasurable, but underneath are pictures about what we don’t have, we need to have more, anticipation, compulsive, craving, never satisfied, hunger, I want…
- Anger: more energy, very intense experience, thinking how we’re going to get even, get people to pay, low energy to avoid sensation, aggressive, boiling, hatred, impatience, defiant, explosive, resistant, violent…
- Pride: maintain status, stop others so they won’t pass us up, more energy that’s unavailable, thoughts are what we’re done and how great we are, arrogant, critical, selfish, stuck up, hypocritical, know it all, judgmental…
- Courageousness: we can change things, we can move on, have more energy available constructively, flexible, what we can learn and support other people, laugh out loud, life is fun, adventurous, centered, motivated, confident, competent, optimistic, purposeful, resourceful, giving…
- Acceptance: no need to change anything, it’s good the way it is, even more energy at rest and ready when needed, quiet mind, life is joyous, abundance, balance, delight, empathy, fulness, gentle, understanding, warm
- Piece: I am, complete, whole, everything is perfect, body has more energy and at rest, mind is totally aware, ones, centered, completeness, timeless
Fewer words when going towards piece. I feel instead of I am (no identification). No resistance to what is. Every time you feel you should do something is resistance. “I can’t” is resistance, when you haven’t yet decided what to do, but you’re still doing it. You need to decide what to do, don’t be in the middle and say “I’m trying.”
Ask, don’t tell- you will not trigger resistance in others as much.
Do what you do and don’t do what you don’t do.
You can’t feel other people pushing you, you feel your resistance pushing back on them. Let go of wanting, it’s fine if you’re changing yourself, just make sure you take action. Are you motivated with what you want?
Let go of wanting (same for dating; the more you want her, less chance you have)
Main motivators: Emotions, beliefs, attitudes and behavior patterns
Sub motivators: desire for approval, control, safety and separation
Obsess- let go
Constantly reviewing in our head same scenarios (trying to prove ourselves, judge…) We all do it to a certain level (less forgiving); you will find something wrong in every situation, everything will be distorted, you lived it differently.
Let goer is the person that promises things and lets it go even if it promises he doesn’t hold on to them.
If you really want something and focus on it, you will get it. (doesn’t always work; if you focus on your ex- wife, it doesn’t do anything) You need action as well, manifestation is not enough. With the two together, you can get what you want.
The strangest secret
The only person that succeeds is the one that realizes what a worthy ideal is, decides what he wants to become and works towards that ideal.
Motivation– how to get yourself out there and just do it
You have to find a source of energy to do it, where does that source come from? It’s always there, but you don’t see it until you’re pushed against your greatest form of pain or greatest desire of pleasure.
We do something once or twice and we feel we got away from it (eating junk food twice and nothing changed)- we create a habit, and realize we didn’t get away, but it took longer than we thought. People would not stop smoking if the doctor says 6 of 10, but would took action if doctor says it’s 10 of 10 and they will die if they don’t stop smoking today.
So how do we tell ourselves that if we don’t start today it will cause us an enormous amount of pain, so that we can finally start improving ourselves? And how can we put our desire there so we can see what we can become with hard work?
It often comes from the power of our emotions; you know you need to and emotions will make a big difference, if you don’t feel it your actions will be different. Fear and anger are good emotions for that. You can also tap into your values (what’s important to you); being a social guy. Another way is tapping into your passions (Martial arts tournaments). My passion is developing myself. You can also tap into your lacks- lack of money (emptiness, hole to get motivated to take action); moving away from pain.
The other side is motivating yourself to achieve something; moving towards pleasure.
Motivation killers; negative people (telling you you can’t do something, stopping you, jealousy)- don’t tell them your goals and motivations, there are also people who will help you get there faster; spend more time with them!, another killer is your own internal denial (negative voice you need to shut off), being dumb is also a killer, because you don’t think everything through and run against things that you didn’t realize will be there (then you think:” Another thing I can’t do”)- be prepared for everything!, blistering out; balance the now (meditation) and achieving things (looking in the future), your family (especially if they know you need their approval; look for Power Social Skills for all manipulation that people could be playing with you), killing free time (drinking, partying, playing video games- these things are necessary, but they are made for recreation; for you to recreate, and then keep moving forward) do not become addicted!!!
Getting yourself below surface desires and really dig out why you want something. We are chasing holes; parts of our lives we don’t feel complete and we want to fill it. Where are my missing parts physically? Feel those gaps and get yourself to a perfect statue. Example: why do I want a girlfriend?; Sex, affection, not being lonely? Maybe you want her not just for you, but for other people’s perceptions of you?, Why am I not calling my family? Lack of connecting, not wanting to get that not connected conversation starting. Maybe because they don’t call back and you’re angry? I can put myself out there to open a conversation (not going all the way out until your emotions are afraid…) Figure it out: “I want to do this, but…”- why?
It’s not about how smart you are, but how well you can connect and get things done with other people. Emotions are basic currency; our emotions rule us to the degree we let them, that’s why you have to have an emotional IQ. All emotions are a signal to act. Emotions are there to protect us (anger- rush of energy, more strength; surprise- more light so you can see more…) The most ancient part is in the smell- when you smell it can trigger memories very well. The brain has two memory systems- one is for ordinary things and one is for emotionally charged ones; the more charged an event is, the better imprint we get. Intelligence IQ is a very bad indicator of one person’s success, person’s with high IQ’s only have 20% advance, while other 80% are decided by other forces (social class, luck…) The most important is my inner knowledge and knowledge to communicate with other people and know what they really mean. You are the most important (before others)
Emotional Intelligence has 5 basic domains:
- Knowing your own emotions (self- awareness); recognizing a feeling as it happens, identify feelings and know why they are and what are they trying to tell me
- Managing emotions- handling them, so they are appropriate which builds self- awareness (ability to suit yourself, calm yourself down, shake of anxiety…) People who are good at this can recover much faster and have better performance.
- Motivating yourself- pull your emotions together in a service of goal (delaying gratification)
- Recognizing emotions of other people- empathy (what others need and want)
- Handling relationships- handling and managing other people (social confidence)
Men with high emotional intelligence are outgoing, cheerful, they are comfortable with themselves and other people, free at expressing their thoughts, prone to anxiety, guilt and expressing anger openly.
Women with high emotional intelligence express their feelings directly, feel positive about themselves, outgoing, adaptable for stress, rarely feel anxiety or guilt.
Medicagnition– ability to step and think “Hey that’s just my thinking”, I’m not caught up in that thinking. Meta mood– aware of your own mood
Both together are called self- awareness– ability to see yourself in 3rd person and figure out what’s going on with you; without identifying with it.
Self- aware; not obsessing about bad mood, getting out much sooner.
Engulfed; feeling swamped with the emotions, not able to escape them, lost in feelings, overwhelmed
Accept; accepting emotions, temperance, not repressing. We want emotions, but self- suit yourself (with right emotions). You can cool of with distractions or by physically moving.
Worrying can be stopped by switching focus away. You get a little positive kick when you are rehearsing possible bad scenarios- worry doesn’t work, most scenarios will never happen and worrying will not fix your problem! Your worry gets psychological credit for taking care of the problem.
Become your own critic for your thoughts. Shoot down every negative thoughts, if you don’t worry gets power and the condition gets worse.
Sadness; thoughts are associated in your mind not just with content, but also by mood, people that are depressed have much better network between these kinds of thoughts. It’s harder to suppress them. Reinterpret the situations to make them work for you.
The Master Aptitude– Ability to delay your own gratification (self- control)
Optimists change their approach so they get through the failure the next time, while pessimists take blame for failure- helpless to change (lasting characteristic).
Girls are more educated about feelings that boys. Men find closeness with just doing things with another person, without talking about it. Simply agreeing how to disagree is more important for success in a relationship than discussing every possible topic about debt, kids… Harsh criticism is a red alert for relationships; when thoughts become filled with anger and turned into insults to attack another person (critique to a person, not their action). That’s the main difference, between not liking an action and insulting a person.
Contempt is a red flag– showing disgust, rolling eyes…
Flooding- becoming overwhelmed by emotional signals that makes you unable to react with a clear head; swamp of toxic feelings. Control and withdraw the conversation. Men are less likely to flood than women, men take longer to recover from it. Building a wall around it is a defensive mechanism against flooding.
While wife is flooding, the guy becomes even more defensive which destroys relationship. Emphasize and lower tension instead.
7 most important skills of emotional intelligence
- Confidence; sense of control of your body and mind
- Curiosity; leads to pleasure with finding out things
- Intentionality; believe that you can, related to the sense that you can, and take action
- Self- control; control your actions in appropriate ways
- Relatedness; being understood and to understand others
- Capacity to communicate; verbally exchange ideas with other people (also trusting)
- Cooperativeness; balancing your own needs and needs of others (basic trust of the world)
Basic skills to master in emotional intelligence:
- Self- awareness, identifying and expressing feelings, impulse control and delaying gratification, handling stress and anxiety.
- Control the impulse to act and identifying alternative actions and consequences before you act. A lot of skills are inner- personal (reading social cues)
- Self- science curriculum: areas to focus on
- Self- awareness; observing yourself and recognizing feelings
- Building a vocabulary for feelings- knowing the difference between thoughts, feelings and actions
- Personal decision making- examining your actions and knowing your consequences, knowing if thought or a feeling is ruining a decision.
- Managing feelings; paying attention to self- talk and negative messages (internal pull downs) and recognizing what’s behind the feelings (hurt behind anger)
- Handling stress- knowing value of exercise, relaxation methods
- Empathy- understanding others concerns and taking their perspectives
- Communications- talking about feelings effectively, being a good listener and question asker
- Insights- identifying your own emotional patterns and other people’s
- Recognizing your own strengths and weaknesses
- Taking responsibility and accepting your feelings and moods, following on your commitments
- Assertiveness, group dynamics, conflict resolution… (win win)
Your own emotional intelligence is only as strong as your weakest link.
The 10 Emotions (Awaken The Giant Within)
4 ways people deal with emotions:
- avoidance (emotions we fear, avoiding situation that might lead to those emotions)- the ultimate trap
- denial (“It’s not that bad.”); emotions intensify until you pay attention to them
- competition; badge of courage, becomes a part of my identity, priding for having it worse
- learn and use; pay attention to what they’re saying and act accordingly- call for action
I don’t need anything to feel good.
6 steps to emotional mastery:
- Identify what you’re really feeling: stop and see even in chaos.
- Appreciate all emotions.
- Become curious about what they mean. Don’t repeat the same patterns over and over.
- Get confident that you can handle this emotion and situation (remembering past for similar emotions that you handled).
- Get certain you can handle it not only today, but in the future.
- Get excited about the fact that you can handle it and take action.
10 action signals:
- Discomfort (annoying); boredom, impatience… Things are a little off. Change your state, clarify what you really want and refine actions (change what you do).
- Fear; all from concern to anxiety and terror (prepare for something that will happen). Don’t focus on in or ignore it, but review what it is that you feel fearful about and evaluate what you can do to prepare yourself- have a decision to have faith (you prepared everything you could).
- Hurt; sense of loss (we have an expectation that hasn’t been met, lost sense of intimacy with someone, or maybe trust). What they did was not personal, take a second and reevaluate the situation if there’s really a loss and communicate with others about the situation.
- Anger; from irritated to furious (something that is valuable has been violated). Realize that you might misunderstood the situation or you might have the wrong rules that have been violated. Ask yourself more empowering questions.
- Frustration; (brain telling you that you could be doing better than you currently are). It’s a positive sign that want you want is in your range (you believe you can get it), but what you’re doing is isn’t working. Change your approach to get closer to your goal, frustration is my friend, use that energy and find a mentor.
- Disappointment; (feeling let down, missing out on something). It’s time to change your expectation, take action to achieve a new goal. My disappointment might be premature- something I will get, but I’m not yet ready for.
- Guilt; (violating one of our own high standards, values- we need to regain balance). Take action- commit it won’t happen again, don’t beat yourself up because it keeps you dis-empowered, stuck and paralyzed (downward spiral; thinking I’m not good enough, so my actions are similar to that).
- Inadequacy; (when I can’t do something I should be able to do). I don’t have the skill level that’s necessary. We are not unworthy, but we don’t have techniques, tools… “Is this really good for me to feel that way? Where can I find more resources and tools?” Find a good role model! No problem is permanent.
- Overload: (no empowering meaning for something that’s happened to you, when your life is being negatively impacted outside of my control). Reevaluate what’s important, don’t try to change everything overnight, set priorities! Develop a sense of control over your life. Write down all the things you want to complete and set importance.
- Loneliness; (apart from other people, needing a connection with other people). Realize you can make connection anytime. Identify what kind of connection you need (sexual, friendship…), remind yourself that you care about other people if you feel that way.
10 emotions of power (Tony Robbins)
Love and warmth, gratitude, curiosity, passion, determination, flexibility, confidence (faith, future belief in success), cheerfulness, vitality and contribution. Come from a place of power, not from a place of lack.
6 needs (don’t use them as a crutch for overcompensation in some areas):
- Certainty (also safety); that’s what men provide to women (self- confidence is determined by that)
- Uncertainty (novelty); we need new stimulus, we want new things (not another nice guy)
- Significance (we need to feel unique- no one like us around)
- Love and connection (sense of belonging)
- Growth (build and expand the capacity of what we are able to do)
- Contribution (giving)
By fulfilling one need you fulfill more- they are connected. Which one do you prioritize?
Dependencies (weakest points)
Maybe on drugs, emotions, actions- unplug negative ones and replace them. What are those things giving me and how can I get these things without them? What am I relying on to get to certain situations?
Emotional States (what you want is change how you feel) Tony Robbins
Most of our responses are learned responses from our environment– modeling
My state is the most important to bring the best skills that I have in any moment. My ability is based on state of mind in any moment; change it by using your body or changing focus. Feel more emotions! Body leads your emotions, what you focus on becomes our idea of what reality is. You can do this by asking questions. Most of people have only a few things to change states (eating, drinking, sleeping…) It’s very important to have a skill to change your state immediately in any environment.
List of things I do to change my state. Add 12 new ones.
Emotions- drive- motivation (emotions that piss me off and make me take action)
The law of improvement: as long as you persistently and consistently work on something it will eventually improve. It’s all about how you perceive events- how you control emotions (lottery and job).
How to stop worrying and start living- Carnage (have an urge to learn- it’s the most important!)
Anxiety and worrying is completely self- generated. Manage today, it’s the only thing you have.
“Every day is another life for a wise man.”
- Analyze what’s the worst thing that could happen in case of failure.
- Accept it if it would happen to you (a new release of energy, after accepting the worst there’s nothing to lose and everything to gain). Don’t fight reality!
- Now work on a solution
Get the facts, analyze them and use them! Worrying evaporates in light of knowledge.
- What am I worrying about?
- What can I do about it?
If you don’t have the time to worry, you’re probably happy. 90% of things you worry don’t happen. Worrying is wasting time- it will never help you.
How much does this thing I’m worrying about really matter to me? When can I let it go and how much am I willing to pay for it? (energy, time, money…) The only problem is choosing your thoughts. By thinking happy thoughts you will be happy, by thinking you’ll succeed, you will succeed. Turn losses around to gain something.
Everybody who is trying to do something great will get criticized.
“Just for today I will be happy, just for today I will take care of my body, just for today I will learn something useful, just for today I will be agreeable, just for today I will have a program of what I want to do, just for today I will pray to get perspective into my life.”
Count your blessings, not your troubles (shifting focus) and give for the pleasure of giving. Be authentic to yourself first. Profit from your loses, that’s the hard part.
Forget yourself to become interested in others- what you’re worrying about is not important.
Fault people take great pleasure from mistakes of great people! No one ever kicks a dead dog. Criticize yourself first, before other people do, than burn a list of those things.
Relax in odd moments, work as much as possible in a comfortable position, check yourself and ask “am I making my work harder than it has to be?” and test yourself by asking “how tired am I today, am I tired because of the work I’ve done or because of the way I’ve done it?”
Clear yourself of all papers that are not relative in this moment, do things in the order of importance, when a problem comes, solve it! It’s better to make an average decision now, than a perfect decision later, learn to organize and delegate.
Paradox of choice (Barry Schwartz)
As choices keep growing we get overwhelmed. Many choices improve the quality of life, but there’s a cost of having too much choice (anxiety, depression).
Will this choice make me better or worse?
- If we embrace a certain amount of voluntary constraints on your freedom will be better of.
- We’ll be better of seeking what’s good enough instead of getting the very best.
- If we lower the expectations of our decisions.
- If the decisions we were non- reversible.
- If we payed a lot less attention about what other people around us are doing.
93% of teenage girls said that shopping is their favorite activity.
There is unlimited amount of choices that makes you doubt your decisions (friends, girlfriends, food…)
None of it matters until I use it! We fall back on our habits, if everything would be a conscious choice we would burn ourselves out.
- Figure out our goals (what do I want)
- Evaluate the importance of goals
- Make a list of options and how important they are
- Evaluate how important each option is to meet your goals
- Pick the winning option
- Latter use the consequences of your choice to fit your goals (learn from your decisions)
Experience is remembered how you felt at the peak and how you felt when it ended.
Everybody holds themselves more responsible for the good and bad of the relationship– we don’t see what the other person did.
We would rather have a sure 100$ than coin flip of 200$ or nothing, and rather coin flip losing 200$ or nothing over losing 100$.
As the rich are richer every gain satisfies them less, we hate to lose more than we like to gain (talking to women). Once something is given to me, after 5 minutes we assume it’s mine.
The more you have to choose from, the more effort it’s needed to make a choice, it’s more likely to choose wrong and you’re hurt more when you make a mistake.
We get from choosers (maximizer- making sure it’s the best) to takers- just take what’s there (good enough- settling for anything). Maximizer is anxious if he chose the best and it causes dissatisfaction. You’re not paying in money, but in mental effort- takes a lot to recover. They are less happy.
1; disagree completely- 7 agree completely
- Once I make a decision I don’t look back.
- Whenever I make a choice I think about what would have happened if I chose differently.
- If I choose correctly I still feel like I failure if I find out that another choice would have been even better.
- Whenever I make a choice I still want to know how other choices turned out.
- When I think about how I’m doing in life I think about opportunities in life that I passed up.
As low as possible in order to be happy. Perfectionists have high standards that they know they’ll never meet, while maximizers have high standards that they think they’ll meet. Maximizers are not as happy with the same choice than satisfiers.
Satisfaction with life (1-7)
- In many ways my life is close to ideal.
- The conditions of my life are excellent.
- I’m satisfied with my life.
- So far I’ve gotten the important things that I want in my life.
- If I could live my life over I would change almost nothing.
85% of your life’s happiness is from close social relationships. You limit yourself with those people.
We can leave an unpleasant situation (leave it behind) or we can speak about it.
Making decisions about decisions (decision to drive safely and not think about it anymore.)
You can limit your decisions with rules, routines and standards. Every new option presents trade off (you can have one thing, but then you can’t have the other thing.) If I see a movie a choose watching it for 2 hours instead of working out, meeting women or driving around. Great amount of choices make you miserable.
If your choices are reversible you don’t take as much time to choose to do it or not to (refunds…)
Post decision regret- after the buy thinking that another thing might be better (harder to enjoy that thing)
Failures to act is the thing that people regret the most.
If only I’d do that, if only I’d…- regret
Inaction- regret of not bought it earlier (if the price is higher than before)
We get used to things and take it for granted– we think that girl will be there forever (adaptation).
Anything less than what you once had is considered a loss. Pleasure is replaced with comfort, but people want pleasure.
People who experience gratitude are more enthusiastic and energetic than others, and it should be part of a daily practice- all the things I should be grateful for.
Comparison- between them and other guys, compare experience to past experience, to what we expect it to be, to what you want it to be.
Any experience will feel good if it’s an improvement. If you have status and have better results, as other people are closing the gap you get the drive to improve and keep your privilege.
Most people would rather earn 50.000€ per year surrounded with people that earn 20.000€, than earn 100.000€ per year surrounded with people that earn 200.000€ per year. Don’t use comparison as a tool to determine your happiness.
11 steps of choice:
- Choose when to choose
- Be a chooser, not a picker (passive selection to what is available)
- Satisfy more and maximize less (regret, missed opportunities, disappointment)
- Opportunity cost- don’t worry about things you’ll miss
- Make your decisions non- reversible (people you decide to be with)
- Practice the attitude of gratitude
- Regret less- reduce the number of options, be a satisfier, practice gratitude about what was good
- Anticipate adaptation- that new PC won’t feel as good after 4 months
- Control your expectations
- My perceptions are not accurate- those people don’t earn as much, are not happy.
- Learn to love restrains- not much options are not optimal
- Choice limiting
- Fast evaluation
- Quick decision
You can’t check everything manually- establish that choice fast and later tweak it. Learn to live with bad decisions- small bets.
Every opportunity has a cost! The choice to not choose is still a choice.
Get a Girlfriend
- Foundation for future growth (you will never grown more than you will in the context of a long- term relationship)
- The connection
- Build a family
- Facilitates tremendous growth
- Natural conspiracy- society’s expectation (society wants you to get in a relationship much sooner than you need to)
- Works against your sexual nature
- Requires creativity to keep it interesting
- Easy to fall into a rut and rely on the relationship
What “Love” REALLY is…
- Biochemical process
- Short-term- nature’s way to get you to mate with this woman and reproduce (better than playing play station)
- Long-term- makes you feel good consistently, but it’s devastating when taken away
- Mating imperative- forces you to make a family and take care of children
- Why it’s so damn hard to stop the downhill slide- Addicted to that rush (energy, motivation)
- Losing the “romantic” aspect
- You MUST be a realist up front so that you can risk letting go later
- The most important “buying decision” in your life
- Choose WISELY!
- Not forever, only until it serves you
- Don’t become dependent on the “security”
- How men become destroyed by divorce
Settles and becomes dependent, because he can’t attract another one, when she leaves him he’s devastated
- When does a relationship start?
- In general, if you’re still dating after 2 months, and there’s forward movement
- Ask if she or you would be hurt if it ended (emotional bonding)
- IMPORTANT: A relationship does not need to be DECLARED by you (“Hey, I want to have a long-term relationship with you!”)
MOST IMPORTANT ATTITUDE
- You CHOOSE a relationship- not NEED it
- Stay because you want her, not because you’re afraid of being alone or having to find another woman
- No settling below your standards
- If there’s a part of you that could walk away and deal with it, but you choose to stay because you want her, then you’re in the right zone!
- You can’t change a person, but you can lead them in the right direction
- Three step method:
- Explain what you want- your expectations
- Demonstrate by doing it
- Reward when she does what you want
Remember that punitive measures create an atmosphere of resentment (punishments don’t work- “I’m leaving if you don’t clean up your dishes.”)
DISCOVERING YOUR OWN NEEDS
- List your attitudes about relationship
- List your conflicting emotions- be aware of them
- List past patterns regarding relationships, and how will you manage this?
- What do you want? Long-term?
- Must vs. Nice to have
- Must have a frame of comparison- date many women!
- This will evolve
- Can you be comfortable with the uncertainty of relationships?
- All relationships come without a guarantee
- Ultimately, you can NEVER be completely secure that they will always be with you (be independent, survivor)
- You can’t control another person, only choose them with a critical eye
- If you can accept that whatever relationship you get will be temporary, you’ll do fine (I can make it without her- no insecurities!)
- Relationships should not be a crutch for your own insecurities (relationship are not made to fill your hole, you need to be a whole from the beginning) 1+1=3
- SCREEN FOR GOOD MOTHER MATERIAL
- Good communicator (not stuck in her head in some cryptic way)
- Has goals and a clear idea of the future
- Responsible (not a teenager inside of woman’s body)- you need to trust her!
- Cool under stress
- LOYAL!!! (does she follow through)
- Attract the right kind of woman up front (think about it before you get distracted with that body
- Save yourself months and years of time and energy by avoiding poison women
- All relationship problems and breakups stem from choosing wrong at the start
- Bad Mom Indicators
- Self- destructive/ Party girl
- She doesn’t want kids (or tries to hide that she does)
- She’s a gold digger- materialistic
- She’s selfish
- Obsessed with youth and vanity (appearance is all they got, dressing like they’re still 16)
- She’s not a nurturer, or impatient and poorly tempered
- Neurotic perfectionist/ critical
- Violent tendencies
- COMPATIBILITY ELEMENTS
- Being with the right person for me- NO DRAMA!
- What you must have
- Listens to you
- “Gets” you
- Relatively secure
- Self- aware
- What you must NOT have
- Minimum of anxiety (relaxed)
- Types of women
- Marriage chick (wants to get married)
- Contentious chick (wants to fight all the time)
- Fragile chick (drama and crying)
- Vanity chick (listens to parents all the time)
- She’s a drag chick (always a downer)
- Taking/ Selfish chick
- Dull/ Flatline chick (she doesn’t say and emote much)
- Anxious crazy chick
- RED FLAGS
- Lying/ dishonesty
- Ex is still around (when not necessary)
- You’re not the center of their attention (priority)
- Hate her friends
- Too focused on you (obsessive & jealous)
- Pacing is too fast/ way too slow (sex)
- Abusive in ANY way- sexual, mental, verbal, or emotional abuse
- Frequent problems communicating and understanding
- Controlling behavior
- Over- dependent behavior
- Drug/ alcohol abuse
- Anger issues
- Criminal activity
- Mental illness- Bipolar, depression, binge behavior (extremes), plays mind games
- Detached- extremely
- You’re doing all the work
- Watch how they treat other people
- Sexual issues/ incompatibility
- Super selfish
- Blamer- never accepts responsibility
- No female friends (no friends)
- Gold digging
- Money issues- spender, debt, poor control
- Pattern of cheating
- Always trading up (lots of short term)
- Your family or friends disapprove or have reservations (we don’t see what’s wrong when we’re hit on emotions)
- Don’t even entertain a relationship with a woman who doesn’t understand gender reality
- Every woman has some bad qualities, the trick is deciding how much is too much
- SCREENING PROCESS
- Mental health history (is it working for her?)
- Relationship history
- Relationship to family (especially mom)
- Patter of previous boyfriends- find out their character, and why it ended, who did…
- How does she treat others?
- How does she treat herself?
Long Distance Relationships- don’t last, change them to short distance
- The truth- False intimacy (because you can’t see them, you create an illusion how great will it be)- you need to experience them in person, they seem the best a thousand miles away
- Shopping for a wife- non American
- How to do it
- Must have regular physical presence
- Regular communication- deep (phone)
- MUST have a plan for coming together
MYTHS OF LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS
- “Love conquers all…”- you’re blinded like on cocain
- “Leave her better than you found her…”- you can try, but don’t invest if she doesn’t
- “Love is forever”- only death is forever
- You need to talk about relationships
- The fact is that the more you analyze and talk about the relationship, the worse it generally is
- If you’re doing it right, she won’t need to talk about it other than the “where is this going”
- Beware talking about the relationship as a separate entity from you and her
- Relationships require a lot of work
- The only work is to overcome the limiting parts of your personality that are keeping you from connecting to her (overcoming the ego)
- Or recognizing that even though you THINK you want a relationship, you’re just insecure
How to start them up
- Assumption: Attraction is there (she has to want you)
- Created by unhealthy focus on one woman (it will get in your way from getting her in a relationship)- comes from not meeting a lot of women
- Idealizing women based on superficial knowledge
- Dispel the obsession by getting in touch with flaws right away (watch them out)
- Regularly connect with many women- anyone could be “the one”, if you only meet a few you will get obsessed with one of those
- Emotional Self- control!
- The Transition
- How to go from casual dating to relationship
- First step is to ensure there is GENUINE ATTRACTION
- Get Sex
- Without sex, there will be no relationship
- Physical intimacy is a pre- requisite of all relationships
- Progressive milestones to the relationship:
- Regular dating (emotional connection)
- Regular sex
- Committing to future events together
- Meet her friends
- Meet her family
- Travel together (you see her habits and what she does without living with her)
- More distinct verbal commitments
- More distinct lifestyle commitments
- Living together
- Most relationship just keep going on autopilot after 6 months to a year (these steps happen automatically, do them consciously) Relationships don’t happen to you, you create them!
- Simple plan:
- Keep seeing her at least once or twice per week- if you don’t want it, don’t see her more often!
- Natural expectations of commitment
- Keep moving the agenda forward (I need to keep moving milestones: Is she helping along?) Women will not confront you, they will hold things back. Keep moving forward!
- Keep your mouth shut
- No need to talk about the relationship
- Do NOT tell her your feelings before she has told you- if you do it, you will never know if she meant it when she told you back!
- Do NOT make future plans in the early stages
- Keep the attraction going
- Keep building connection and intimacy- don’t stop doing what you did before!
- Keep her on her toes- constantly challenge her and hold up on her testing
- Keep taking the lead
- Keep ALERT!
- Watch her behavior
- Watch deltas (changes)- why it’s changing? Don’t get worried, but ask yourself what it means
- Track patterns
- Let her be the one to declare the “relationship”
- NOT YOU!
- If you do it, you’ll always wonder if she really wanted it
- If she does it, you know where she stands
- SHE will start it
- Make sure you know where you want to go first
- Usually predicated with a “where is this going” talk
- Get her to voice her desires first
- Express your interests in terms of being aligned with hers
- Instead of creating confusion with your own verbalization (show how you could fit in her picture, instead of creating a different picture: her life is incomplete and I will make it complete- what was once enjoyable is not anymore without me)
- Keep seeing her at least once or twice per week- if you don’t want it, don’t see her more often!
- Really, any woman with kids that you get involved with
- Recognize the priority of her kids (you’re second)
- Know how YOU feel about her kids (and in general)
- Recognize your own need to procreate
- She will give this to you
- Relate to her on understanding of her situation
- Acknowledge her value as a woman- beyond being a mother (she’s not just a mother)
- Be more direct…
Keeping a relationship
- ESSENTIAL RELATIONSHIP SKILLS
- Conflict resolution skills
- Emotional self- control
- Patience, anger management…
- Communication skills
- Intimacy skills (not sex, it’s about emotional intimacy- connection she can’t have with anybody else)
- Independence (control)
- The one who loves the least…
- The one who can walk away from the table… you don’t want that to be the woman
- Together, but separate
- Feminine/ Masculine energy- more masculine energy she has, less attraction there will be
- She simply has to have more to lose by leaving
- This will ensure attraction is somewhat “enforced” (she will know that it’s better with you than with someone else and will force herself to be attracted to you more)
- Emotional Control: Patience
- Ability to wait and NOT act (emotional emergency is FALSE emergency- wanting to call her and apologize when you were right!)
- The one necessary skill for keeping a woman interested in you
- Inner Game- Self- control! (that’s all you have- control yourself)
- Emotional Control
- Nature of moods- Hers & Yours (Shortcut through therapy, you can be happy no matter what) Mood is atmosphere that you carry around with you- same situation changes; never make a decision when you’re in a bad mood
- Her moods will have more extremes than you (more up and down)- use PATIENCE, all bad moods pass.
- If a problem is there when you’re in a bad mood, it will be there when you’ll be in a good mood and you will be better equipped to deal with it then
- LOVE- it’s a verbal commitment
- Don’t tell her you love her just for sex
- Don’t tell her you love her because you’re having sex (it’s lust)
- Don’t tell her you love her just because SHE does
- Don’t tell her you love her until after AT LEAST 20 dates- or 6 months
- Don’t tell her you love her until you FEEL it
- ALWAYS better to have waited too long than to have said it too soon
- ALWAYS better for HER to say it first- PATIENCE and emotional control
- Resistance/ Acceptance Principle
- People naturally resist (good or bad)
- You must get to acceptance FAST
- Roller Coaster analogy- not resisting it, you’re there and it’s fun
- Accept woman’s foibles- the more you resist the way women are, more pain you’ll get
- Accept your situation, whatever it may be
- If you’re trying to tell yourself stories to make it better, you’re in delusion and resistance
- Relationship problems- and how to avoid them!
- All relationship problems stem from origination (it’s not about the problem, it’s about what you did or didn’t do before it- you already had a problem, you just didn’t know about it before
- Money issues
- Communication breakdown
- Lack of trust
- Lack of sex
- Wandering eye (leading to cheating)
- The Big “M”: Money
- YOU have to be good with money first
- Learn how to invest and save
- Learn how money works
- Make sure she is not carrying a lot of debt
- Know how she handles money
- What’s her attitude toward money? How does she feel about it, is she buying things she can’t afford?
- Watch how she handles YOU spending money
- Does she step in with caution, or encourage recklessness?
- Talk about money
- Find out what her tastes are
- “Champagne” or “Beer” (does she understand money and value?) It’s about what money can be traded for. Don’t love money, love what it can give you.
- Calm Water vs. Whitewater
- Give her fun & adventure while YOU get calm
- Handling the “routine” trap- don’t let it die because of it, break patterns- do “once in a while” things
- Any red flag behavior you see 3 times must be addressed
- First reaction: Humorously point it out
- Second: “I’m seeing something and I want your opinion on it…”
- Listen to her explanation completely
- Be explicit when stating your expectations (expect what you want, be clear)
- If they repeat, she is either testing you, or this is a problem point
- Be willing to make the hard choice
- If you can’t do it, she will never respect you (if you can’t walk away from a situation that’s not working out) They will wait and make you do the ugly thing, she will try to save her self- image.
- Why women leave men
- 2 Reasons:
- Physically deprived (lack of sex, physical affection)
- Emotionally deprived (lack of the right emotions)
- Prevention is always about meeting these two needs on a regular basis
- Learn and understand healthy sexual practices (connection is more important than orgasm!)
- Communication skills
- She will leave because she feels she has lost the connection that makes her feel safe
- How she will do it:
- Starts with a “last attempt” to fix things- usually unnoticed
- She then starts to withdraw, in ways that seem like she’s giving you space (seems good, but it’s not!
- She starts to look around for replacements
- Replacements are just an excuse she can use later (it’s his fault)
- …and a justification for herself
- She’ll wait for an appropriate incident that she can use as reason to break it off (she will push it and you will make a comment- bigger mistake and she will break up with you)
- Or she just might let you know about the affair (don’t judge, accept!)
- Not getting needs met (you can fill her needs, or another guy will)
- In a woman’s mind, she just justify it, and NOT be wrong (the other guy swept her off her feet like you couldn’t)
- 2 reasons
- Sexual needs
- Emotional needs
- By the time it happens, it’s already too late
- Is it her character, or was it the situation? You have to answer if you decide to take it back
- This is one place you must practice PREVENTION, not SALVAGE
- When a woman cheats, it’s more damaging than when a man does
- Why you can’t go back
- You won’t trust her (that child could not be yours)
- If you do stay:
- Don’t ever bring it up again or use it against her
- Trust building
- A woman sends out sonar pings to figure you out
- These pings are tests
- If you pass them, you maintain her trust
- If not, you lose attraction and create doubts
- Most popular tests:
- Struggle for control
- Will try to take the lead away from you, keep the lead!!
- Disrespectful behavior
- Cutting you down in public (when you’re meeting her, or when she already lost respect for you- red flag! “What did you mean by that?”
- Pushing buttons
- Looking for an emotional response- don’t give it to her!
- Challenging you
- Teasing- tease back, unresponsive
- Give it up
- She will see if you give up a hobby or passion to put her above it
- You’ll be tempted to give in just to avoid conflict
- Trying to keep “calm waters”
- When you do, you’re doomed- don’t give your passions away!
- This also falls under switching your priorities- or questioning them
- All tests are tests of control
- Her control over you (are you a wimpy guy that wants to get laid more than he wants self- respect
- Your control over yourself
- It’s not what you say- it’s the attitude of non- re activeness you give off
- Remember: The Nazi or the Comedian
- Universal response for the unexpected
- “Inner Wink”- I see what she’s doing
- Non- response that shows that you see what she’s doing
- “Isn’t that special…”
- “You’re so cute…”
- “You’re such a girl…”
- “Now why would you say something like that…”
- “You’re testing me, aren’t you? Nice try…”
- Total change of subject
- If she persists- call her on her behavior gently
- “You know, it was cute at first…but now it’s kinda rude
- Don’t try to memorize responses
- Be careful of responding to rhetoric
- “I suppose you think you’re charming…” (if there’s no question, but feel the need you have to answer)
- “I’m sorry, did you ask me a question?”
- Test women BACK
- You need to find out what her character is
- Give her responsibility and see what she does
- Planned chore (sprinklers, errand)
- Give her information and see what she does
- Tell her something about your friend in confidence
- Check in later and see if she told someone
- Give her a small silent treatment and find out how she reacts
- The more she feels she has passed your qualifications, the more invested she is
- Emotional disclosure
- A relationship requires some emotional disclosure (you will have to talk about emotions at some point)
- Make it planned, not haphazard
- Do not wear your heart on your sleeve (don’t talk about emotions too much, that’s woman’s job, don’t tell her everything)
- A woman is always looking for proof that you’ll stick around
- This does not mean you have to reassure her every day (insecurity)
- You have to be able to count on her
- If she proves unreliable, you have a problem
- Keeping her into you
- The things you need to do are simply counter the reasons she will leave you or cheat
- Keep her satisfied sexually
- Keep open communications
- Listen unreasonably well
- Keep her feeling safe
- STAY AWARE and WATCHFUL!
- Remember that she’s only there from SELF- INTEREST!
- Love is not enough
- We have to feel that we’re getting something from the situation
- Maintain respect
- Without respect, you can’t keep her interested in you
- Respect requires a small dose of healthy FEAR
- Fear of losing you (Selective absence- go dark from time to time: point out the contrast to make her see the difference)
- Fear of losing YOUR respect
- When she looks up to you, this is implied
- NOT fear of suffering (fear of losing the good things she has)
- Do not let a woman boss you around (she can’t respect you that way)
- Coach her on certain skills to keep up a “teacher” role
- She has to see your power on a regular basis
- Demonstrate power by:
- Dominating other men
- Leading other men
- Respectfully gathering the attention of other women (tricky: she trusts you, it’s not jealousy)
- Being a powerful presence
- Confident personal authority
- Forgive her
- The ability to forgive demonstrates power
- Let her see your judgment facility
- Example: Jim- Dead to me
- Let her see by example that you have this power
- 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene
- Keep her slightly dependent on you
- NOT financially!
- You need to be her anchor in life
- Make her work for you
- Small tasks/ chores
- Give her an area of responsibility
- You will control accountability (sprinklers)
- Don’t make it too easy for her (there is a selection process for her to be a part of my life
- Football tryouts
- Make her understand that there is a selection process
- Never fear showing your natural interest on other women
- Do it respectfully
- The goal is not to incite jealousy- ever
- Teasing and never- ending seduction
- Always be Teasing
- When in doubt, just give her a hard time
- Except when she’s fragile
- CULT of YOU
- Ethical use of influence
- When you open your mouth, you’re exerting mind control
- On a subtle level
- You’re seeking your own desires and outcome on some level
- Others are going to use the unethical methods to take what is yours
- When you open your mouth, you’re exerting mind control
- Get her to “confess” to you
- Brings her back down
- Opens her up to you
- Find her fantasies
- Get into her mind
- Make sure you get her to reveal dark secrets to you
- Stir up the waters yourself from time to time (don’t always be calm, or chaos will destroy you)- create emotional moments
- Keep her working on YOUR schedule
- Subtly destroy the “other guys” of she never got over him- think of bad things
- Don’t be TOO perfect in her eyes
- Reveal an occasional flaw- deliberately and planned
- You can make her insecure by being too good
- Be formless and adaptable
- The less she can predict, the better off you are (“I didn’t know you had that side in you”)
- Time your generosity- balance adventure and routine
- Give presents irregularly (every Friday)
- And occasionally illogically
- Like when SHE should give you something
- Occasionally remind her of the Gloom- want what you already have: key to happiness
- Gratitude and appreciation is not NATURAL
- We must be reminded
- We are easily jaded
- Use the principle of “you don’t know what you got ’till it’s gone…”
- The emptiness she experienced before you
- Remind her of how good she has it
- without saying it directly! Show, don’t tell
- Remind of previous loneliness, pain
- Make sure she never gets too familiar
- Surprise and spontaneity
- Be deliberately unpredictable
- Avoid revealing too many of your habits and routines (some are endearing- some can be revealed)- Don’t paint a picture of what you do every day (consistency and structure lifestyle is not good)
- Re- invent yourself
- Self- improvement
- Makeover your image
- Change things up
- Start with things that don’t matter as much to you
- Novelty is the hearth of easy attraction
- Don’t let her feel too familiar with you (it will become boring and consistent)
- Always keep some things in “reserve”
- Facts about you
- Hobbies/ interests (new and what you did in the past!)
- Generate new things to keep guessing
- The most important thing to do is never let her “sit down”
- If she’s always chasing you, there’s never room for another guy
- Keep her chasing you! (teasing, so she wants more of me)
- Be selectively honest
- Don’t reveal everything about you
- Give her cliffhangers
- Stuff she knows she doesn’t know about you
- “I’ll tell you about that sometime…”
- Non- re-activeness to a woman is PRIORITY
- If you start to react to her (pin balling) she will learn that she can control you
- Responding emotionally is a CRITICAL error
- You will be tempted when you feel attacked (and you will want to react)
- Keep yourself safe
- Remember that nothing can touch you (even if I lose her I can get over it, it wouldn’t leave scars unless I let it and I would find another person)
- External judgments are empty (they don’t carry any real weight)
- Controlling you= NO ATTRACTION
- = Repulsion! (pushes her away from you!)
- Hold on loosely
- The more you act jealous or try control her, the less she will be into you
- Encourage her into situations that would leave most men uneasy (not being jealous and insecure when she’s talking to another guy)
- Most men screw it up by making all the mistakes
- Show her you know this
- Being able to out- game other men is powerful attraction element in itself
- When she sees this, she’s all in
- Guard with the comedian, not the Nazi
- Almost all conflicts can be defused with a joking deflection
- Don’t setup a contentious relationship
- 8 ways to keep your relationship alive
- Travel to new places
- Do your own thing- apart!
- Throw parties and get- together s
- Give her a gift
- Handmade jewelry (original)
- Nice wine
- Framed picture
- Cooking kits
- Photo Calendar
- Surprise her
- Women quote this as being one of the biggest sparks (it’s simply breaking routine) Cover her eyes and leave her in the excitement of occasional “risk”
- Keep a date night
- Align your goals and priorities
- Talk about expectations openly
- Variety in your sex life
- Different places
- Different positions
- Get out and adventure- write down something you’d like the other to do (then exchange)
- Must handle this correctly
- Jealousy is insecurity of the worst kind
- There will ALWAYS be competition
- She will be attracted to other guys
- Whether or not she acts on it will be based on how connected she feels to you
- You must always be giving her reason to BE there
- She won’t just hang around because you’re YOU
- 2 Reasons:
- Money (security)
- Adventure (excitement)
- The irony…
- The more you are willing to hand her off- in a cocky way- to another guy, the stronger you look
- If she is fickle and likes to push the jealousy button, leave
- Good quality women do not flirt around!
- If she’s dating other guys, your only defense is to have more emotional control
- They will make mistakes
- They always do!
- If it’s early in the relationship, you should make sure she sees other women are interested in you
- Taking the leadership role
- You must be the leader
- Good ration is ¾- make sure she chooses once in a while
- If she fights for leadership too much, move one
- The reason is that she will sabotage your masculine power
- You’ll start to go along with it
- She will seem to be happy in control
- She’ll cheat on you and eventually leave you
- See the signs
- How to read a woman’s mind and heart before she does…
- Partly cultivated instinct, like knowing what play a football team will run
- Make mental (and real) notes on her patterns
- Argument cycle
- Reassurance pattern
- Important signals:
- Body language
- The only time it pays to read her
- How expressive she is
- What is she talking about?
- What is her emotional response?
- How is she spending her time?
- With who?
- At work?
- How often?
- With who?
- Watch for deltas!
- Changes are always worth noting
- Predict her
- Women will never admit to what they need, thinking it is selfish, not deserved…
- YOU must be the one to give her what she wants when she needs it
- She will expect you to do what she needs to do for herself
- This is the completion of her nurturing cycle (expects to get it back)
- If you don’t do it, eventually she leaves to “discover herself”
- Ways to recharge her:
- Send her to a spa
- Get her massages
- Date nights- out of the house!
- The Car Wash Principle
- Dave and the Car wash
- So why take showers?
- Relationships are the same:
- You just sense the B.O. easier than tension
- Keep washing this car!
- Family & Friends (of your girlfriend)
- How to keep her family & friends from driving you nuts
- How to manage them so they don’t work against me (I’m the new guy)
- First, remember:
- Better to be silent and thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt (not being rude, insulting- it’s better to be quiet)
- Learn as much about her family in advance
- Make friends as much as you can
- When push comes to shove, you don’t want them fighting you when she is
- Find out her history with her family & other guys- before you meet them
- Make sure mom likes you
- Compliment her on something she’s DONE
- Flirt a little with her
- Respect dad
- Find one thing he’s into that you can connect on
- Compliment something he OWNS
- Be downright gushing (learn about that thing- car)
- Watch out for the parent “test” questions
- Deflect or do the politician tap- dance (“I want to make her as happy as I can”)- pause while smiling like you expected that question
- Don’t ignore siblings
- LISTEN- a lot! (90% of the time just listen)
- Your job on the first few meets is to learn as much about them as possible
- Gathering Intel
- Remember that if you don’t like her family- or if they don’t like you- it’s only a matter of time…
- Start memorizing them before you meet them
- Name+ important detail about them (you can talk to them in public)
- Where they work
- Notable story
- Common interests
- Find out who she considers her best friend
- Ask her WHY she’s her best friend
- THIS IS THE QUALITY YOU WANT TO GIVE HER!
- Find out what she normally does with friends
- Make sure to give her time out with them
- Be careful about spending too much time with them and her
- You’ll feel like an outsider on their “in- jokes”
- What to do when they’re hostile
- If you fan the flames, YOU will be burned, no them
- Be cool, deflect with a smile (especially with ex- boyfriends)
- Try a “hard reset”
- Look, I think we got started on the wrong foot… (making him responsible for wanting to make my girl uncomfortable if he doesn’t agree
- What’s say we give it another shot, for her sake…
- If the reset fails, just go for “detente”
- And don’t ever be the one to complain or whine about the other person
- Isolate the troublemaker by befriending a circle around him
- Study the 48 Laws of Power
- Be careful about trying to keep her from negative influence
- Don’t let her think you’re working against their friendship
- Communicate why this person is not getting along with you so it’s not up to her imagination
- Don’t try TOO hard
- Looks too phony and they won’t buy it
- Moving in
- How to make the big transition without going insane
- Is marriage a goal? If so, don’t bother.
- Most marriages are less successful after living together
- Why? Because when the commitment is first, you’ll live up to it
- Don’t try to fast- forward success
- This principle underlies a lot of problems in society (debt)
- Why you do it
- Because you already have a plan for marriage and need to
- When to do it
- Wait until you are completely clear on your future
- Not earlier than a year
- Make sure you know all of her quirks and habits
- Travel somewhere with her for at least 12 days
- Make sure you know HOW she lives on her own
- And that she CAN live on her own!
- Talk to previous roommates
- How to do it
- Pick a new space- don’t move into her or her into yours
- Don’t go for a place that isn’t at least better than where you are
- Try to bring in equal amounts of your pre- existing furniture, or buy all new
- She will eventually want to replace it
- Nesting instinct
- Share costs equally as much as possible
- Make sure you have a schedule
- If you’re going to get married, stick to your plan
- Losing Strategies
- Sulking, pouting, pity me behavior
- Trying to be right- at the expense of good will
- Pushing/ Controlling
- Ignoring/ Denial
- Going along with her to get along
- Taking the “easy” path
- Shame running your life
- Never asking for what you want
- Imaginary relationship
- Pretending you know when you don’t (about that person, or we’re intimate while we’re not)
- Giving up your identity and life for her
- What you must talk about
- Find out her attitudes
- Some of your feelings
- Beware over- reliance on opening up to her (not too much- she’s no a therapist)
- Some feelings are best shared elsewhere
- Guy friends
- Therapist (don’t fall back to being a friend)
- Some things she doesn’t need to know (Will this information move it forward?)
- The Myth of Communication
- “You need to share everything…”
- Ignores the basic truth that we don’t respond ideally to information
- People have unpredictable emotions
- Radical honesty is best practiced only on yourself
- Proof? Try telling her she looks fat.
- Her plans for the future
- When to talk about things
- Timing is a factor
- Choose a good mood
- Choose a secure time
- Don’t always let her corral you into talking about something right now (“We need to talk… right away)
- You can reschedule (time shift)
- You must be the one with the clear head
- Save her from her own emotional habits
- What NOT to talk about
- Don’t talk about the “hot” topics until you have attraction built
- Do not talk about your feelings more than 10-20% of the time she does
- Female Communication Strategies
- She will talk just to talk and explore
- Don’t offer solutions until after she’s talked it out
- Don’t listen to what she says- mind what she DOES (9/10 times she doesn’t feel appreciated and loved)
- Don’t believe what she says she wants
- unless it’s backed up with action
- The best way to talk is to listen- between the lines
- She will talk just to talk and explore
- How to tell if she’s lying
- Beware suspicious mindset
- Distrust kills relationships, so don’t invent it- if you don’t need it
- Active process- must test
- Ask questions about the event
- Lack of detail is suspect
- Hesitation is suspect
- Invent a challenge to the story
- I heard there was a fire…
- Leave some silence
- They will try to fill it
- Body language will be subdued
- Eye contact will be weak
- Indirect answers
- Change the subject
- A liar will follow willingly to avoid the topic
- If they’re telling the truth, it will be harder for them to change gears
- “Lie to me”
- Starts with wanting to be there more than wanting to leave
- And wanting to stick around for more than just avoiding losing her (when she see you’ll stick around, she will stop testing as much)
- Conflict is inevitable
- It’s how you handle it that defines your relationships
- Handling arguments
- Remember that women don’t like conflict or confrontation of ANY kind
- Conflicts MUST be resolved- not paved over
- We think THEY are the problem; they think WE are the problem
- Arguments are never about being right- they are about WHY you feel that way (do we feel loved, worthy, validated…)
- Facts don’t change feelings- even if you’re right with facts
- Men don’t like to talk about feelings
- Which is why we end up “losing” when we think we won
- Arguments are a threat to our identity
- If what they’re saying is true, or perception of ourselves might be wrong!
- The gap between what we hope is true and what we fear MIGHT be true
- We’re naturally self- based (ego is invested- more than just facts)
- Self- interested, self- preserving
- Ground your identity before a discussion or argument (she’ll say things she doesn’t mean)
- Recognize that you can’t control her reaction/ emotions
- Prepare for it instead
- Get perspective (ask yourself during a conflict)
- In 3 months, will this really matter?
- What’s the REAL purpose of this conversation?
- Remind yourself that you can’t change her (best thing you can do is choose well upfront
- The old man next door story (she’s the old man on the floor crying for help)
- The situation didn’t change- your feelings did
- Feelings follow thoughts
- The way to change your feelings is to change your THINKING
- We make assumptions based on intentions
- Those assumptions are usually 100% wrong
- She did it because… (find the reason, be curious)
- Remember to keep your emotions under control
- Still center, watch out for your assumptions (so you don’t get caught up in fight or flight)
- Do you want to be right, or do you want to keep her?
- The ego wants you to be right
- The monkey trap (chaining her with a nut that she didn’t want to let go)
- Have you ever let them “win”? (Does it make a difference)
- We all have a desire to be right more than reasonable (willing to be wrong sometimes)
- Avoid judgments
- Avoid “always” and “never”
- Extreme absolutes (don’t think black and white, be right)
- Don’t blame
- Blame only puts up defensive shields
- Don’t threaten
- The defuser:
- If I were in your shoes, I’d feel the same way
- I hear what you’re saying
- Never yell
- Tip: To get her to quiet down, talk very softly (pattern interrupt)
- The one to lose their temper loses the argument (it’s about emotions, not facts)
- Make it a game- name the emotion
- Be CURIOUS about her story
- Curiosity gets you out of a selfish mindset
- Works in every area of relationships
- Just ask- Why?
- Without judgment
- Don’t make it your goal to “win”
- You’ll never win without resentment
- The way to “win” is to get her to vent, and fix the problem without blame
- She just wants to know:
- 1- am I competent?
- 2- am I a good person?
- 3- am I worthy of love?
- Listen to her vent completely
- We have a deep desire to be heard
- And to know that others care enough to listen
- She won’t her you until she thinks you heard her
- Hear her out
- Empty the teapot (of her emotions)
- 90% of the time, this is all she needs
- We have a deep desire to be heard
- After you hear her out, confirm
- “So you’re saying…” (like you’ve really heard her)
- Get her to help you find the solution
- She usually already knows what she wants
- If she doesn’t she’ll calm down when she realizes it
- “What can we do to fix it?”
- Remember that anything that sounds personal will immediately trigger you to defend yourself
- Don’t defend.
- She’s not really attacking you (most of the time)
- If you discover that she can’t separate the problem from the person- this is a red flag to leave
- Make sure you finish by affirming that she is still loved
- Never argue in bed (bed is not a fighting ground)
- Women must feel safe in order to open up and let you know what is bothering them
- If you react, she’ll never trust you enough to tell you when something is- fear of reprisal
- This is negative social pressure
- If you’re coming to her with a problem:
- Plan out your communication in advance
- Don’t WING IT! (don’t think you’ll know what to say)
- Don’t get personal or attack
- Keep your patience (tell how you feel, not what the situation is)
- Plan out your communication in advance
- Choose your battles
- Let her win where it just doesn’t matter (get ego out of the way)
- Be gracious and make sure she recognizes the concession
- Get the benefit of the gesture
- Don’t be a whinny bitch and bring it up all the time when you get angry
- Conversation & Persuasion
- Not religion
- Important to have some alignment in your belief systems
- The capacity for faith is also important for relationships to endure
- Faith in positive outcome
- Faith in your own resilience
- Spirituality becomes a pivot point in the relationship
- Don’t marry her:
- Because you SHOULD- she’s a sweet girl
- You’ve been dating forever and it’s just the next thing you ought to do (the “why not)
- Your peers are all getting married
- Make your parents (or hers) happy- being too close to either set of parents (the “We love her”)
- You owe it to her- She’s pressuring you
- She proposed to you or you got caught up in the “spirit of the moment” (The “whim”)
- She’s pregnant
- She’s got a 3rd grade perception of love- jaded or overly romantic
- She’s so insecure that she needs constant reassurance
- She will drive you nuts and push you away
- Watch out for women that are settling for YOU:
- logic conversations, not emotional passionate interactions- practical conversations
- Routine is the foundation
- You know she’s not quite right, you’re not close, but she’s still talking marriage
- All she talks about is kids
- Nothing really in common
- Sex is perfunctory- occasional, no intimacy or passion
- Date at least 25 women before you consider marrying
- You can’t date TOO many
- You MUST have a prenuptial agreement
- Lots of arguments- all of them are bullshit and emotionally based
- She should have more to LOSE than to gain by leaving you- not the other way around
- You cannot guarantee that she/ you will not change. Can’t do it
- No one ever gets married thinking they’re going to get divorced
- It leaves your mind free that you will be together from desire- that nothing else will come between you that shouldn’t
- Money is the main reason for fights and divorce
- It also ensures that your children will not get screwed by whatever may happen
- Protects (her) from debts
- Read some divorce horror stories about men who are destroyed by this
- Marriage may be an emotional and physical union, but it’s also a financial union
- A prenup is a sign of incredible trust and financial openness
- Marriage is more important to women (typically)- but many people over 30 (in progressive places) do without
- If you’re not planning to get married, you need to tell her before things get too deep
- If you do plan to get married, learn EVERYTHING you can about her
- Sex will flow if you provide foreplay
- Foreplay is everything that happens 16 hours before sex
- 3 ways to upkeep: frequency, intensity (amount of emotional involvement), diversity
- Why it slows down, how to keep it up
- Keep kissing (more build up, more satisfying ending)
- Sensual massages
- Use porn
- Role- playing, experimentation
- Mornings, Nooners, Nights…
- Learn some new techniques
- David Shade
- Must have physical attraction
- Part of her obligation to you is to keep herself attractive
- Stay fit
- Inspire her to stay fit by your own example
- Buying her exercise equipment and a gym membership will only backfire
- Find an activity- do it together
- As with all traits, you must watch for her attitude towards “looking good”
- In advance
- If she’s let herself go, it’s probably already too late
- Why women hold back on the sex
- Power play
- Angry with you
- Bored of you
- Different sex timetables and appetites
- She’s cheating
- Women withhold because men let them get away with it. You must keep the lines of communication open. (Don’t let it happen, set it down in advance and don’t beg for it)
- Choosing to have them
- What’s her attitude about them? Will it completely absorb her? (will I be left behind?)
- Do you want them?
- Will you be an active participant?
- Women’s biggest complaint…
- Absent dads
- Take no responsibility
- Don’t contribute
- Make absolutely sure you have a firm idea of how you will parent
- Make sure she’s not just in it for the kids
- Make sure she’s healthy- conscious enough to lose the weight
- YOU will lead the household
- You set the policies and behavior rules (with her)
- You show me the most beautiful woman in the world and I will find a guy that is tired of sleeping with her (she doesn’t have the personality, just looks)
- All relationships change, mellow out
- She’s no different than other women, it’s an illusion created by chemicals
- It’s up to you to understand yourself and what will keep you in the game (other women will also have problems, if you think that grass is greener on the other side)
- Make damn sure she’s what you want before you go through this effort
- Decide BEFORE you go past 6 months or so (it’s a slow burn, it’s damaging)
- Make sure YOU are what SHE wants
- Most guys aren’t willing to face this one, and wind up in tragic hearth break! (break up if she doesn’t want to, have the balls)
- The important element of compatibility:
- Do you really want a carbon- copy? (have some differences, tension)
- Similar interests do not stop conflicts
- Hobbies and interests can be diverse and different if both of you are relaxed and open
- Women’s biggest complaint…
- Sex will flow if you provide foreplay
- Don’t marry her:
- Starts with wanting to be there more than wanting to leave
- Ask questions about the event
- Beware suspicious mindset
- What you must talk about
- Name+ important detail about them (you can talk to them in public)
- Start memorizing them before you meet them
- How to keep her family & friends from driving you nuts
- Dave and the Car wash
- Body language
- The reason is that she will sabotage your masculine power
- Must handle this correctly
- Surprise and spontaneity
- Gratitude and appreciation is not NATURAL
- Give presents irregularly (every Friday)
- Ethical use of influence
- Demonstrate power by:
- The things you need to do are simply counter the reasons she will leave you or cheat
- “I suppose you think you’re charming…” (if there’s no question, but feel the need you have to answer)
- Struggle for control
- Not getting needs met (you can fill her needs, or another guy will)
- 2 Reasons:
- YOU have to be good with money first
Ending a Relationship
• Relationship killers
◦ Acting on an affair (cheating)
◦ Resentment (anger)
▪ Contempt (95%)
◦ Overly critical behavior
◦ No longer in love (you have to feel slow burn)
◦ NO trust (if you think she’s cheating, make sure she trusts you)
◦ When a woman earns more than you
◦ No separate time
◦ Nagging! (creates resentment)
◦ Hyperactive defense mechanism (you feel being pocked with a stick all the time)
◦ No sex
• Relationship and couples counseling- good when you have troubles in communication
◦ Therapy for either of you
◦ Keep this as an alternative if necessary
◦ BOTH have to want it
▪ Agree in advance that you’ll both go here first
• Breakup Blueprint
◦ How to get out of a relationship with your dignity and self- esteem intact
◦ Guys have a harder time with breakups than women do
▪ Usually the woman was the dumper- men miss the signals that she is detaching from them
▪ Women have better support systems- friends, family…
▪ Men have less emotional control- we avoid emotions, don’t understand them…
▪ Men develop more dependence on the relationship- we focus on relationship, we distance ourselves from friends
◦ First step is to start being the dumper, not the dumpee
▪ The one who is dumped always feels the biggest hit to self- esteem
▪ EVEN if you were intending to do it anyway- it will hurt
◦ Make it a concrete decision
▪ If you’re even considering it, chances are it needs to be done
▪ Ask yourself, what’s really stopping you from breaking it off
• If it’s just feelings, or irrational ideas, that’s not enough
▪ Remember, if she’s not helping you, she’s better off playing for the other team- no jealousy (put stress on somebody elses side, she’s not an esset)
• You’re better off alone than with the wrong woman
• Remember that every minute you stay in the wrong relationship, you’re preventing yourself from finding the right one
▪ Recognize the parts you can control, and what you can’t
• You can’t control her feelings (she might be hearth broken)
▪ We always feel bad about making another person feel bad
• Don’t get caught up in the New Age pursuit of thinking you’re going to be the “good” breakup guy
• Her anger (and even “hate”) is not about you. It’s her own disappointment and avoiding self- blame
▪ Create a list of her faults and incompatibilities
• Make it LONG and EXPLICIT
• List incidents of bad behavior and things she did
• Be very clear, not vague or ambivalent
◦ Avoid “I need some time”
◦ Don’t leave an “out” or a weasel clause
• Don’t attack
• Don’t talk about friendship or staying in touch
• Don’t try to keep a back door open- “Maybe in the future…”
• Don’t try to communicate with her for at least several months
• Avoid common friends or situations where you might run into her
• If you do encounter each other, be civil- compassionate
• Don’t try to “keep the friends”
▪ The “it’s not you, it’s me”
• Use different words and it can reduce some of the sting
• Problem is that she will not have closure until you give her a reason
▪ The ugly plan:
• Become so needy and obsessive that she has to get rid of you
• BAD- still leaves you wanting
▪ The 3 Step Breakup
• Set a plan with a deadline
◦ Don’t let yourself back out once you know what needs to be done (path of no return)
◦ Remember that the quicker you do it, the less likely she will be able to beat you to the punch (avoiding the risk that she dumps you first)
• Prepare your support system
◦ Mine: Action movies, going out with friends, travel
◦ Have people you can call up and hang out with
◦ Don’t do it in public (it can be a park, but not crowded)
▪ Do it in a neutral location
◦ Don’t do it in text or email
▪ WEASEL way out
◦ Set aside a fair amount of time for the discussion, but don’t drag it out (for long- term relationship it can be two hours)
◦ Start with her feelings about the relationship
▪ You might find that she wants it, too (if she’s on the same side, it will go different)
◦ Bridge into how you feel, then finish with “I think we need to stop seeing each other.”
◦ She will fight it, even if she knows it’s true
▪ This is the connection she doesn’t want to lose
▪ Repeat the reasons why when she argues the point
◦ Don’t get caught up in justifying yourself (it’s not about the facts, she will switch feelings for facts)
◦ Have someone to call you to help you exit if necessary
◦ Go home and get rid of everything that reminds you of her
▪ Box it up
▪ Divorce (38)
Rejuvenating & Restarting
• How it happened (women’s infidelity)
◦ Typically because you stopped being the Alpha Man
▪ Fell into the “provider” archetype
◦ Figure out your root- cause FIRST (maybe giving her too much control?)
• Is it worth it?
◦ Get some perspective
▪ Make a list of the errors and reasons why it got here
• If you don’t figure this out now, you might as well leave
▪ Do you really want to save this?
• Most men want to save it only because of fear of loss
▪ Always 10x easier to find another woman and do it right from the start
▪ Make room for Ms. Right (the wrong woman occupies room in your mind, calendar and energy)
◦ Figure out if she will stick with it
◦ Who lost their interest first?
▪ If you pulled away first, it’s more likely to save
• Rejuvenate Your Relationship
◦ Important- must be done before a certain point
▪ Before cheating
▪ Before the feelings are diluted or transferred to another man
◦ Wake up!
▪ Chances are, you fucked up- now you have to pay
▪ She needs a seriously compelling reason to stick around
◦ Must be an attention- getting course correction
▪ You can make a statement of change by a signification action
• Example: making a sacrifice
◦ Most faded relationships are cause by lack of attention
▪ Slow erosion of goodwill and attraction
◦ Get her to talk
▪ Just listen
• Toughest thing for guys to do
◦ Tempted to give solutions (hold back!)
◦ Offer your own stories
◦ Defend yourself
◦ Just shut the fuck up! Your stories and emotions don’t matter!
◦ 3 Steps
▪ 1. Must regain your masculiine role
• In order for her to go along with it, she has to feel safe
• In order for her to feel safe, she has to feel like you will take the lead and control
• Alpha Masculanity
◦ Long- term, she will only stay attracted if you demonstrate dominant male characteristics
▪ Initiative (leading!)
▪ Steadfast- Certain
▪ Receptive- responsive to her
▪ Adventurous- risk taking
• This one is key, breaking routine
▪ 2. Don’t talk about it- JUST DO IT
• Break patterns & routines
• JUMP START the energy again
◦ You need to give her the other attraction archetype
◦ BAD BOY- AKA: Risky gene
▪ Bad boy formula
◦ Drop the nice guy routine RIGHT AWAY
• Tell her what YOU want
◦ Statements, not questions
• Pick one romantic thing you did to win her and repeat it
◦ Get her remembering the good times and the high points
▪ 3. Commit to the change in your own habits
• If you fall back into complacency, you’ll just lose it again
▪ Find a shared activity
• Find a new one
◦ The point is shared, interactive, reliance
• Find something she’s already doing to join her in
▪ Demonstrate a clear shift in your persona- not personality
• Show her what she hasn’t seen
• Give her a reason to want more of you
▪ Open up and be emotionally vulnerable
• Reveal you feelings
◦ In a controlled manner
• Appreciate her
◦ Wake up and be aware
▪ She need to see evidence of:
• Your persistence
• Her safety
• Changing her
◦ How to modify behavior
▪ Women mold themselves in to the relationship
• Which is why they tend to lose their identity and later on freak out
▪ Reward only that which you want repeated
◦ From total nag to docile pussycat
▪ Usually women push buttons to get a reaction (even if it’s negative)
▪ Stop reacting to her acting out
• Stop and breathe- calm yourself
• Ride out the emotional wave
• Call a personal time out
▪ Identify and label it when it happens
▪ Declare that it’s totally unacceptable
▪ Give her silence to think it over
▪ Be stern, not angry
▪ Be absolutely rock- solid FIRM- no waffling!
▪ Remember to reward her when she makes the change
• “See, now that’s the woman I find hot & sexy…”
▪ Be willing to walk away
Guide to Understanding Women
• Classifying Her
◦ 3 Personality Types
▪ Type A
• In a hurry, get moving, impatient
• Mix of left and right brain
• Relationships- Hostile
▪ Type B
• Live in the moment, intuitive
• Right brain (creative)
• Relationships- Friendly
▪ Type C
• Future oriented, take their time
• Left Brain
• Relationships- Cautious
◦ 4 Primary Types
• Talkative, not shy
• Self- reliant
• Self- content
• Risk- avoidant
• Repressed/ unleashed
▪ Personality Energy
• Intro/ Extro
• Fact- based
• Life skills
• Head/ body
• Social/ Antisocial
• Positive/ negative, Happy/ dour
• Safe/ Adventurous
◦ General Types
• Aggressive personality types like to take command of situations
• On the positive: Goal directed and adventurous, these types are often ambitious, successful, and highly sociable
• On the negative: Aggresive types tend to work best in a hierachy, such as a corporate environment, where power and structure are the norm
• Dating scene: Aggresive types are more apt to initiate a conversation and take charge of the courtship ritual, which can be refreship, as long as it doesn’t come of too strong.
• Sensitive personality types tend to be reserved, modest people, who have a keen awareness of other’s feelings
• On the positive: Creative, loving, and modest. Sensitive types are conscientious and tend to be loyal and trustworthy and can be quite artistically inclined and good writers
• On the negative: they have a tendency to withdraw can sometimes lead to avoidance of social events and missed opportunities in work and personal life
• Dating scene: Sensitive types tend to have good listening skills on a date, are attentive and caring, and tend to develop close relationships. However, their calm, reserved demeanour can sometimes be misinterpred as cold, which can make first dates or initiation difficult.
• Dramatic personalities are emotional and extroverted, usually enjoying attention and socialising
• Expressive, lively, dramatic types often excel in entertainment and media and are often the life of the party
• Emotional ups and downs can cause problems in various areas of life
• Sometimes neglect others when they’re too focused on turning the spotlight on themselves, which can lead to frustration for their partners. However, dramatic types tend to be fun, engaging dates who excel at conversation.
▪ Laid back
• Leisure and carefree, leisurely types are easy going and agreeable, equally happy with or without company
• Calm, deliberate, and flexible, thrive in flexible environments without strict rules or assigned roles
• If they reject social norms too much, leisurely rypes can find themselves isolated from others
• Not abiding by traditional dating rules, can sometimes drop the ball when it comes to taking dating to the next steps: forgetting to call or failing to express interest even if they feel positively about a day. On the flit side, their calm and relaxed personality can be a plus to put others at ease and open up conversation
▪ Other Classifications:
• The city girl
• The Granola (down to earth)
• Yoga girl
• The Alpha Woman
• Ms. Intimacy
• The Housewife
▪ Other Classifications:
• The Librarian
• Princess/ diva
• Sensuaal woman
• Party girl
• Drama Queen
• Sport Girl
• Mother/ Nurturer
• Women: Basics
◦ Connection- oriented
▪ Really just her “acting out loud”
◦ How to know if she’s being honest
◦ The Big Question
▪ Gnawing suspicion that- ultimately- she’s not attractive, lovable, or appealing
◦ 9/10 women are insecure in one area
▪ Whether they are liked for who they really are
▪ Whether how they look is appealing
◦ Women believe that whether they are attractive or not can ONLY be confirmed by guys
◦ They measure their worth by the kind of guy that is attracted to them
◦ They fear that they won’t be enough to satisfy him, so he’ll go elsewhere
◦ Why women notice the strong men:
▪ Around non- asserive guys, she just gets mixed signals or silence
• Nothing decisive
▪ Around bad boys, she gets surprised by outrageous flirtation or some bold move
• Tells her that he notices her
◦ Most women do everything they can to manage the relationship for the least amount of pain
◦ 5 stages of going good to bad:
▪ 1. She’s warm and responsive
▪ 2. She’s nice but cool
• Something’s bothering her
• She retreats and cools off
• Not so much effort required to save it
• All relationships have this
▪ 3. She’s not happy
• She wants something to change, or she will leave
◦ Catch it here and save it
• She’s signalling you directly
◦ Gets upset or more annoyed a lot more easily
◦ She says “You’re not listening…” a lot
◦ She becomes less available
◦ She makes excuses to end the night early
◦ Months before she actually breaks up with you, she’s getting over you
▪ 4. She’s not nice anymore
• She’s difficult or imposible
• It might get turned around here with a lot of effort
• She will start mistreating you
◦ She’s trying to get you so irritated that YOU will break up with her
◦ Or at least you won’t be as sad when she does
▪ So that you won’t feel as bad, and you think it’s good
◦ Avoids blame and feeling bad on her part
◦ Trying to get you to notice the severe problem
▪ 5. She dumps you
• You’re shocked
• She waits until she’s so detached that she can check out and break up
• By now, it’s WAY too late to save it
◦ You let it go too far
• What women REALLY want
◦ Sense of humor
▪ Looking out for her
▪ Self- confidence
• Demonstrated with chilvalry
▪ BAD BOY qualities
• 1. Self- confidence
◦ Feel protected
◦ If you’re uncertain about yourself, so will she
◦ She wants to draw on YOUR strength
• 2. Adventurous/ Spontaneous
◦ She is predictable, feels boring
◦ Relies on him to bring out her adventurous side
◦ Sweeping her off her feet
• 3. Protective (jealous)
• 4. Leader that other guys look up to
• 5. Decisive
• 6. Risk- taker
• 7. Not afraid of other people
• 8. Independent
◦ Bad boys are never clingy
◦ She always cares, so being with him is a kind of liberation/ freedom
• The BIG 4:
◦ 1. Taking the lead
◦ 2. Be decisive
◦ 3. Taking a risk
◦ 4. Showing confidence
• She responds to FOCUSED ATTENTION
◦ Spinning plates
▪ Keeping her happy is just a matter of keeping 3 plates spinning
• 1. Romance (makes her feel appreciated, worthy and desirable)
• 2. Communication
• 3. Physical intimacy
▪ Don’t fall in love with falling in love
• While there are many great parts to a relationship…
• There is a ot of disillusionment
• Love is never the romantic fix you imagine.
▪ Stay in control or in the dominant role, or you will never be happy
• And you will keep her
• Her Body Language
◦ Ignore all the body language before you have gone out on a date
▪ Negative signs:
• Closed arms
• Turned away
• Rigid (being tense)
• Pulling away
• Fake smile (no eyes engaged)
• Distracted, distant eyes
• Looks down and away
• Hands on hips
• Plays with her clothes, picking at them
• Fast blinking
• Foot and finger tapping
• Shifting weight from foot to foot
• Lots of silence
• Short responses
• Lots of shrugging
• Intuitively, you know when she’s not responding
▪ Positive signs:
• Touchy- feely
• Reaches for your hand
• Leans in
• Strong eye contact- submissive
• Lots of smiling
• Laughs a lot with you
• Lip biting
• Lots of self- touching
• Pacing you (matches your breathing, movements…)
• Reading a woman’s signals
◦ Never direct, always indirect
◦ Never listen to her words
▪ Understand her “cycles” and manage them
▪ YOU set the structure and the pace for her
• Even in light of her resistance
◦ What’s wrong with her today?
▪ Something you’ve done
• She can get jealous and hurt over nothing, but she won’t tell you because it would have seemed too forward and clingy
▪ Something about her life (not about you)
• 8 out of 10 times
▪ Something going on inside her (moods…)
• Often testing
◦ Women know it’s immature and hurtful
◦ But they can’t help themselves
◦ Not always aware they’re doing it until later
• She tests to test your commitment level
◦ If she pushes you and you run, you don’t care about her
• Does he really care about me like he says he does?
◦ She pushes you away to see if you’ll stay
◦ Perseverance shows commitment
• 4 out of 5 women admit to having PMS swings
◦ When random weirdness strikes
▪ Assume there is a reason
▪ Feelings are a reason for her
• Even if it’s illogical
▪ Pay attention!
• If something seems wrong, ask.
• Keep it neutra, funny
◦ I’m not the sharpest knife, but it seems like you’re upset…
◦ Can you help me understand what’s going on?
◦ Is there anything you want to talk about?
◦ If you want to talk, I’m here
• Make it clear you’re available, but not too much pressure
• What’s wrong? “Nothing.” means keep asking until she tells you so that she knows you really care
• Don’t embarrass her.
• Don’t ask her if she’s on her period, or point it out.
• Politely excuse yourself, try later
◦ Patience principle
▪ She will often take out her unhappiness on the person she thinks is the safest- YOU
• But that doesn’t mean you take abuse
◦ She will get irritated that you don’t pick up on her signals
◦ 18 signs she’s checking out or about to leave the relationship:
▪ Acts less bubbly
▪ Less affectionate
▪ Stops asking you about your life
▪ Starts reminiscing about the past
▪ Seems distracted and sad
▪ Gets annoyed much easier
▪ Says “you’re not listening” a lot
▪ Becomes less available to you
▪ Makes excuses to end the night early
▪ Acts less excited to hear from you
▪ Stops calling you
▪ Starts bickering
▪ Cuts off conversations
▪ Starts criticizing you
▪ Starts controlling you
▪ Becomes discrespectful
▪ Defies you and starts to take over leadership
▪ Puts you down in front of other people
◦ How to spot the signals and avoid shipwreck
▪ PAY ATTENTION!
• Don’t just hope things will get better on their own
▪ React calmly
• When you overreact, she becomes less likely to be as direct, making it even harder on you
▪ Fix the problem NOW
• Take action
▪ If you screw it up, apologize and then fix it
▪ Be willing to move on
• Don’t listen to “I still care for you” and think she wants you
• No change for the relationship
• You’ll just destroy your dignity and confidence trying to salvage it
WIN HER BACK
• Move on!
◦ The reality is that you will spend 10 times the energy winning her back than if you just went out and found a new one to date the right way from the start
◦ Winning her back is based on the delusion that the one you’re with is somehow MORE special than the women you haven’t met.
◦ Pain blinds you, and will make it harder to exercise emotional control
• If you won’t move on
◦ Recognize that you’re in a compromised position
▪ Emotionally unstable
◦ Accept that there are NO guarantees
▪ Be willing to lose it to win it
◦ This is the only plan that will work
• The Plan:
◦ 1. Separate
▪ Give her at least a couple weeks of no contact
▪ No phone, email- NOTHING!
◦ 2. Get distracted
▪ Get your head together
▪ The only way to keep your mind off her effectively is to keep yourself distracted with other activities
◦ 3. Get your life together
▪ Get on a healthy track (exercise, sleep, food)
◦ 4. Show her the new side
▪ She has to see a change
• Demonstrate the change, not talk about it
▪ Get the stealth date (meet up, what she said was right, go for a drink- light)
▪ Let her see you out having fun with friends
▪ Show her you can do well without her (gym, eating healthy)
▪ Start dating other women*
• You will resist this (oneitis)
• But it’s the best position to be in
• If she gives up because of this, she would never have fought to keep you anyway
◦ Don’t talk about it
▪ She’ll decide on her own
▪ Talking about it engages her logical mind
◦ Keep up step 2&3
▪ Keep distracted
▪ Keep your life moving forward
Scot McKay- Keeping Her Into You
Building history, trust, security, children…
Become the best version of yourself BEFORE settling down, so you know how high quality woman you can attract, if she’s not the absolute best for you, don’t settle!
She will not make me happy, don’t try to get her to fill your cup.
Don’t change! You attracted her the way you are, don’t become softer. She has to feel safe and secure, make her believe that everything will be OK.
Have a purpose, ambitions…
Give her wild screaming orgasms, distract her while she’s doing other things, tell her private jokes while other people are around- keep that fire burning.
Make her the best she can be in every aspect of life. DO NEW THINGS!
How to Cheat Proof your Relationship
They do it because they don’t have their needs met.
Don’t get personal, or get hurt, if she pushes you away, be persistent and stick around.
Keep it exciting.
Building a better girlfriend
Choose well, choose one that already has something going on
Feel like delivering a million dollars to her! I’m worth much more.
She’s human too, she feels just like me.
Nobody cares what your problems are when you’re meeting them, just do it.
Her unconscious responses are most important- how do you make her feel- can you make her feel something that she can’t feel on her own?
Set the boundaries and keep them up- no laziness.
Pursue what you want to be, what does she needs and what does she want?- The wants don’t really matter.
She has to worry more about if I’m happy than if she wants to stick around by raising my value in life.
Take acting classes.
Give energy, don’t drain it from groups!
Get in the habit of going out
Go through other bonuses the next round.
Self Coach- Enchanced Selfishness
Be your own coach.
The Portable Coach
Difference between selfishness and needyness (selfish is a choice), do the best for yourself to help other people; Be fully charged.
It takes a lot of ego to pretend you don’t have an ego.
Decide you deserve everything you do, be more selfish.
Take care of yourself in: stress elimination (lower stress threshold; the pressure always wins, solve problems instead), relaxing home environment (makes you feel good being at home), well being (doctor, exercise, psychological issues, good meals, massage), good mentor system (a few different perspectives on subjects), take care of appearance, work on habits and rituals (stretching, wake up routine), underpromise and overdelivery, schedule timing just for you, get yourself a little treatement every day.
Self coach 2
Detachment from the future- a well planned present creates the desired future, use your energy for perfecting present instead of thinking about the future (just desire, without effort). Average American spends 10 years of his life in front of television and becomes a consumer; don’t zone out. Plan your life, but then forget about the future, just focus on now- adapt and change it constantly, don’t cling to it.
The stuff you own usually ends up owning you- throw everything away that you don’t need. Evaluate comitments; what gives me value and brings me joy. Limit time on social networks, phones (Wake up Productive). You can live without most information all your life- choose things you want to learn (information overdose). Simplify your wordrobe and don’t buy things you don’t need. Take time to be with friends, family and alone. Eat and drive slowly. Save money! Keep your life as minimalist as possible- it’s peaceful. Don’t multitask- it’s never productivee,you’re never focused- many people get epifanies on seminars, because they get to think just on one subject for a few days. Reduce your exposure to advertising and go for quality, not quantity- things that will last longer and carry less things with you. Leave space between things you need to do- things will go by much more relaxed, and ask yourself “Will this simplify my life?” (Changing from Windows to Mac), only buy techology that serves you and makes your life simple.
Portable Coach- building a reserve (feeling of competence) for challenges in life
Home and Comfort (extra space for people and storage, comfortable bed, clean, good temperature, dishes, place to relax, I like all of it)
Cars (hidden money, reliable and safe, water and food in case)
Money (ready to use in emergency, invest in myself, passive sources, creating value, independence)
Safety (self-defense, weapons, seat belts, protected sex)
Health (sleep, diet, water, exercise, no stress, vacations, no drugs)
Opportunity (online, projects, skills in high demand)
Space and time (promise less, never late, extra time I don’t book, nothing is draining me)
Supply (bulbs, clothes, cables, computers)
Relationships (girlfriend that cares, positive respecful manner, proffesionals that I can ask for advice)
Prepare for the morning at night, always a back up plan.
We all get the same amount of it, we manage ourselves. Time is me, it’s valuable. Get rid of what is no moving me forward. (urgent, not urgent, important and not important- define activities), prioritize what’s the most important right now. (Steven- First things First), don’t rush to do the little things that take away a lot of time.
Strategy for Living
Successful life is a result of succession of quality days persuing a good purpose (clear direction). You can be the force of nature or a little creature who complains that the world won’t change to suit your desire. It truely is the jorney, not the destination- who you become along the way. There are some things you shouldn’t have and learn to live joyfully without them- men need challenge.
The more you can live with uncertainty; live right now and feel successful with what you’ve got, happier you will be, there is no such thing as certainty.